Since the rumors that proceeded the official announcement, nothing has been the same in Grateful Dead Land. A palpable energy that rivals the feeling we had in the old days when the lighting guys climbed up their ladders is ever present within all of our daily lives. This week was no exception. Here’s your week in review…
Weir got a total brojob from John Mayer on the Really Friggin Late Show and millions of Chinese men were instantly referred to this website by Google due to this sentence and the headline. I think I speak for everybody when I say Bob looked well fed. His streamlined physique of the past has given way to a shape that more resembles the VW Bugs that have followed him around the country for nearly 50 years. Then again, for just about all of us, every Throwback Thursday has shown us that our current picture looks like the “Before” shot in nearly every self improvement program on earth and our pictures from the past more closely resemble the “After”. Just another case of “the sky was yellow and the sun was blue.”
As previously reported, John Mayer, now listening to the Dead for 3 whole years, absolutely understood who the alpha male was once Weir walked onto the set of the show this week. John was interviewed off camera at the after show party and was heard saying, “At nearly 100 years old he’s absolutely magnetic and oozes an otherworldly sensuality. As manly as I am, even I dreamed of Weir treating me like an aspiring actress at Bill Cosby’s House.”
Trips to the mailbox have become just like trips to probation officers on urine day. For 20 years the mailbox overflowed with flyers and unpaid bills as mail carriers often questioned whether or not the residents were still alive. Within the past 2 weeks 90% of Dead Heads now know their letter carrier’s name, marital status, number and names of children, place of birth, astrological sign and number of years on the job. For the first time since 1995, Dead Heads are treating postal employees like official Grateful Dead Family. Since most Grateful Dead fans have never tipped their letter carriers at Christmas, their mail people find great joy in delivering rejection letters to their new BFFs.
A new problem now exists as fans begin returning to post offices, that typically carry about $125 in petty cash, demanding their $5000 in unused money orders be refunded immediately. As post offices encourage fans to deposit them in their bank accounts they’re quickly realizing over 50% of the fans of the Grateful Dead don’t have bank accounts. When encouraged to open an account, it was discovered that another 50% of fans were far too paranoid to let a bank know they exist. The postal service has acknowledged this mail order debacle as the biggest challenge since the arrival of UPS and other companies that deliver shit far more effectively.
Western Union, a fan favorite throughout the years on Grateful Dead Tour, has facilitated more drug deals than the entire country of Columbia. They claim that fans that used their overpriced and unreasonable services should have much fewer problems with their refunds since they’re still the preferred method of money transfer for nearly all illegal activity in the country as well as most of the world. Anybody that actually toured with the Dead is well acquainted with their services and have used them in nearly every state in the country. Nothing says crime like picking up cash sent to Casey Jones in Bonner Springs, Kansas with absolutely no ID required!
Rumors of added shows began to circulate as information leaked by Grateful Dead super fan, Ted Kane, that Shoreline Amphitheater was booked for shows in the Summer under the name “Nickelback”. Ted, a fine man whose facial hair has been known to cause Beard Envy, cracked the code of this alias by assuming the four original members plus Bruce made 5 thus the clever name. Be sure to buy your tickets early! Executives at Madison Square Garden were questioned about bands that have booked the historic venue and replied, “We don’t know nuttin.” Everybody that’s from the northeast is well aware that “I don’t know nuttin” really means, “That motherfucker knows something!” Only time will tell…
In these trying and uncertain times medical doctors have discovered an entirely new and treatable condition that’s being called,
Social Ticket Related Emotional Sensitivity Syndrome or STRESS for short. Symptoms include mailbox obsession, spending over 20 hours a week rereading the VIP Packages on CID’s website and posting the exact same questions as everybody else on every Facebook group you belong to. Petitions can be found online urging legislators to allow for the issuance of medical marijuana cards to treat this condition naturally.
As Big Pharma becomes increasingly more aware of the rising presence of Big Ganja, there’s sure to be an epic battle.
While mentioning VIP Packages, many women between the ages of 45 and 65 were wondering if the Steve Parish Package would still be available. For many years, they took care of Steve’s Package and were permitted entry without any tickets at all.
That’s all for this week my friends, stay tuned… Love You Long Time!!!!
Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)
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