The Grateful Dead have emerged from their sleep like real life Rip Van Winkle this week creating a tidal wave of activity throughout the Sleepy Hollow of today’s music scene. Much like Rip, the band is waking up and discovering a whole new world. One would have to ask themself after an extremely long period of inactivity, “Fuck me running, have I really been sleeping that long?”
As questions and concerns preceding this monumentous event arise, I assure you I will be here to report them. An increasing number of spoof reporters and keyboard comedians have risen from the ashes quicker than the Grateful Dead’s sex appeal this week but don’t be fooled by imitations. I, Dean Sottile, pronounced So Tilly, am The Official source of Unofficial and completely fabricated news revolving around this anniversary.
In an attempt to answer everybody’s most pertinent and pressing questions, I’ll start with the elderly whose ability to read through long pieces has been significantly hampered by decades of using superior hallucinogens and dreadfully inferior reefer. Members of the message board group “Grateful Dead Tour Veterans 1970s” are incredibly excited about a few things this year. For one, many of them received their Medicare Card and have already had their first invasive medical procedures and exams since the summer of ’69. As Dead Heads, they’re still complaining due to deductibles and co-pays that they feel should really just be free. While nearly every restaurant in the country provides them with senior discounts, their blood pressure is skyrocketing because there is no such discount on anniversary tickets.
Another bone of contention is the absence of Donna at these shows. I contacted Donna, The only member with a listed phone number who seemed to be waiting patiently by the phone for somebody, anybody, to call her about this. When asked if she was invited to participate in the celebration, Donna exclaimed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NAAAAA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
Love you Donna, thanks for taking the call.
Another question that seemed to have more lives than the Terminator was, “Why Chicago?” You ready for the real answer? BECAUSE!!! That’s why!!! Now book your flights and STFU.
The Grateful Dead used the extensive list of fans and powerful connections they’ve accumulated over the years in order to roll back gas prices to where they were when Garcia last took the stage at Soldier Field in ’95. A letter of thanks would be far more appropriate than another post asking the question, “Why Chicago?” Rent a moped, leave now and it’ll cost you $37 to get there.
In the group “Grateful dead Tour Veterans 1980’s,” a far more civilized bunch than most, Dynamic Radio Show host and contributor Eric Schwartz seemed to be a calming voice in an otherwise unsettled environment. Eric, who never uses Grateful Dead lyrics as answers to questions, was trying to distract from the chaos of Chicago based postings by contributing pictures of auction merchandise he could never afford to purchase. When asked about the recent hailstorm of activity Eric only responded by saying, “Consistent…” When other members were asked about the developing story they used Grateful Dead lyrics to answer immediately disqualifying them from being mentioned in this piece.
The next immediate question seeking an answer was, “How the fuck do I get tickets?”
It seems the majority of the fan base were much smarter before they became doctors and lawyers. As of this writing, thousands of fans are losing sleep trying to figure out how many money orders they need to send and for what amounts. The majority of them will rush to the post office tomorrow to purchase money orders, that can’t be sent out until Tuesday, only to find it’s closed for Martin Luther King Day. At this point, Many of them will find fault with the postal system and complain to whomever will listen about the exorbitant amount of holidays for postal employees.
High on the list of priorities is booking the perfect hotel room for this magical weekend. Complaints once again began circling through cyberspace since the majority of hotel rooms in Chicago aren’t free. It seems as though many thought Gary, Indiana would have been a much better and more affordable choice for the event. Aside from the crime, lack of any venue at all worth playing and the population’s general hostility towards all human beings, Gary would’ve been a much more affordable option. When asked about hotels in the area, Phil Lesh replied, “Mine will definitely be better than yours.”
I’m also happy to report that Unofficial Grateful Dead Historian, Scott Allen and myself have exchanged pleasant messages and will be playing golf together this summer. It seems as though his sense of humor remains intact unlike many others within the Grateful Dead community. When asked about this development, a female fan named Beth said, “I look forward to returning to Soldier Field to see if my personality is still at Lost and Found.”
Well my friends, this wraps up the most exciting week our community has experienced since the announcement of the Warlocks Shows in 1989. If I could shed any light on the growing anticipation and feeding frenzy that has kidnapped our communities it would be this; Pump the brakes y’all. Every little thing gonna be alright. Stay tuned and feel free to ask any questions you’d like me to answer.
Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)
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