As rejection letters hit mailboxes with more repetition than posts asking about seating charts, a grey cloud was cast over the inhabitants of Grateful Dead Land. The Soap Opera that ensued brought more tears than a Sorority House on their menstrual cycle. Suddenly the overwhelming joy of the anniversary announcement was overtaken by the grim reality of ticket availability. CVS and Walgreens sold out of Vagisil as quick as the Grateful Dead were selling out of tickets.
Combe Incorporated, the makers of Vagisil, spokesperson Dinah Moe Humm said, “We haven’t seen this many overly sensitive and irritated pussies since the weeks following Woodstock.” When asked about whether or not she was into The Grateful Dead, Dinah replied, “I gotta get out of it to get myself into it!”
Executives from CID Entertainment, a company offering VIP Packages to people like myself, who have absolutely no connections at all but high limits on their credit cards, were seen dancing like the cast of a Broadway Musical outside of their corporate office. Apparently, people that complained about regular ticket prices last week have already started calling CID in hopes of spending 10 times more cash for the VIP Experience. When corporate leaders were asked about the pricing of the VIP Packages they told us, “Do yourself a favor and buy stock in Combe Incorporated. A completely new level of complaining will begin once our prices are unveiled.” A blushing 65 year old woman said, “These packages are beginning to look bigger and better than John Holmes.”
Meanwhile, speaking of packages, there was a leak by a surgeon’s receptionist that claimed to have Bob Weir’s X rays following a recent knee surgery. While nobody seemed to know much about Weir having a bum knee, The films surfaced earlier this week. Nobody has confirmed whether or not they’re legit but over 8,000 women we spoke with said they appeared to belong to Weir.
News also arose that Weir would be making an appearance on the Late Late Show, a favorite of insomniacs and those struggling with Crystal Meth Addiction, on February 5th. Fans who have young children were thrilled they have DVRs as most of us without drug problems are in bed by 9:30 PM.
Rehearsals are underway as Trey Anastasio has gotten together with Bruce Hornsby and Bob Weir. The Sirius Grateful Dead Channel featured a Question & Answer segment with Hornsby earlier in the week that went over like a fat woman with her toddler on a seesaw. The Final caller, a vocal anesthesiologist by trade, is still finishing his story as I write. As far as rehearsals are concerned, Trey Anastasio said, “I may not send their Souls to the Dry Cleaners like Garcia did but I’ll damn sure liquify their Nervous Systems like shellfish!” My friends, you can count on that!
Throughout the week several people questioned the safety of the City of Chicago posting news clips from last year’s 4th of July when 82 people were shot. Most of them failed to mention that over 3,000,000 people in Chicago that weekend did not get shot. The people with safety concerns posted from their homes while chain smoking reefer, hash and cigarettes, drinking insane amounts of alcohol, inhaling nitrous and consuming LSD regularly for the past 40 years while living beneath enormous Power Lines…
Here’s something to keep in mind on this Super Bowl Sunday Edition of the Officially Unofficial News. For the price of ONE Super Bowl ticket (Includes Katy Perry!), you and a friend can fly to Chicago and see The Grateful Dead for 3 nights. That’s a great value for your entertainment dollar!
So I’ll call it a wrap for this week at your Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead and Music News. Due to popular demand we’re now on Twitter, @gd50th. Remember, If you can’t draw and you can’t type Ticketmaster’s Security Codes, you can always hope for a webcast!
Dead To The Core,
Dean Sottile(pronounced SoTilly)
On Facebook: Grateful Dean
Facebook Group: The Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead and Music News
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