Grateful Dean

My memories of shows in and around NYC go back to my first show on 11-11-85. I was 15 and had pretty bad seats in the upper tier above Garcia’s head and a little behind him. From that high up, I couldn’t believe I was having my entire life and all of my thoughts shuffled by a guitarist that from that high up and slightly behind, looked like my Italian Grandma. I was instantly hooked on the experience and by intermission was trying to figure out how I could score some type of van and a camping stove so I could travel the world selling grilled cheese. The MSG shows in 87 and into the 90s that kept the Dead in one place for long runs were packed with nights that changed me forever. Nightfall of Diamonds on Weir’s birthday in 89 at the shithole known as Brendan Byrne. Giants Stadium in 91 with the Eyes opener and Dark teased throughout. I could go on forever but you know how it goes. A night that will live in my own life as much as any of those nights is 6/24/2017.

I’m having a hard time stringing thoughts together after what I just experienced. My emotions are shaken and my thoughts are competing for attention yet when I try to give any one thought the attention it’s asking for it totally withers in the spotlight of my mind. I could go through all of the songs but I feel it’s almost unnecessary. Relix and Jambands and Setlist can do that. Tonight, the music came through the band with so much authority it was clear that the orchestrator of the experience was so much larger than any of the individuals that performed it. The songs had sharp edges and the band moved together as a near perfect expression of the hive mind. There was an energy powering the experience that was evident among the musicians. At times, I think they were separated from their physical duties and watching themselves from some other cosmic place. I could be totally wrong but the cauldron had all the right ingredients. Nobody had to direct anybody else too much because everyone seemed surrendered to being directed by the moment. The absence of any individual attempting to control where the music went allowed the music to express itself without the influence of educated suggestion. I don’t know if I’m making sense to you but I’m making a shit ton of sense to me. The environment was seasoned with kind of magic that has kept me on The Bus for 32 years.

The most special thing for me was having my wife and my 8-year-old daughter with me. For my daughter Ariana, it was her first show. As I watched her experience the community I’ve called home for the first time, there was a joy that had me overwhelmed throughout. It was very strange for me to be at a show and the music being secondary to my observation of my surroundings. Ariana’s experience was my priority as opposed to being able to focus every cell of my being on each note as it’s played. While I was able to have some time focused intensely on the music, I experienced it with 40 lbs on my shoulders for much of it. When I put her down, my back was to the band a lot of the time and I experienced what was happening on stage through the reflection it made on her face. The band never looked as beautiful to me as they did during those moments. She never stopped dancing and never stopped smiling. She was experiencing Daddy’s Disney World and it was having the same impact on her that it has always had on me.

I want to thank the community for your kindness to my family. There may be a stray hater pop up every now and then but meeting so many of you that have supported me since I started this thing a couple of years ago is a blessing. The people around us gave Ariana little presents all night long. Your hugs and kind words are felt deeply and I thank you. It was a real sardine can up front last night and I want to thank the folks that helped to make our experience so amazing. Debbie, Lizzabink, Kim and all the folks on the rail, Thank you! It wasn’t an easy night up front but nothing worth doing is easy.

Let’s talk about the second set. The band came out and The Scarlet flicks and tunings have a Pavlovian impact on US. The first sounds of Scarlet reach into the deepest wells of happiness that I possess. The jams had a force behind them that was similar to hearing thunder. The tones that sparkled deep within the thick waves of sound just make you look at your neighbor and say, “HOLY F***!!!!” John had the dragon by the tail all night. Moreso than I’ve ever seen in the past, last night John led the moments and the band with his playing, not with signals and signs or looking like he’s swatting flies. His chemistry with Oteil has been stronger than ever. I’ve been pretty clear about not being a fan of songs like Chinacat and Scarlet without their expected partners but Viola Lee coming out of Scarlet put my Soul into high gear. I danced as hard as a man is able while having a child on their shoulders. The solos made their ways ferociously around this powerful axis that spun the song through my mind decorating every single neuron as it raged through my mind. When Weir is at his best, Estimated is the way to go. That tune strolled around the Stadium bringing hope and light to every corner. I wasn’t worried about him, No.

When Estimated was winding down, something very special was winding up. The first notes of Comes a Time bubbled up through the experience like lava. Slow but with an inherent power that would far outweigh its pace. I had my daughter and my wife in my arms as Oteil stepped to the mic and released the opening declaration. It was at this point that a layer of my being was peeled off like an onion. As Oteil gave his soul to the song, our collective souls reflected the depths of his surrender to that moment. He’s had a rough couple of months and his trials and tribulations gave a quality to the verses that made them fuller than they may have been otherwise. Going through the last few days with his brother, Kofi, added an element to the song that shook me internally. I watched as Oteil became a completely hollow vessel as the masterpiece sang itself through him. I connected with every word deeply and I felt the moment have its way with me. I sat there as an empty cup that was completely filled by a love that was too vast to comprehend. My daughter rested her head on one shoulder and my wife rested her head innately at the same exact time on the other one. The moment held more Love than any cup could ever contain. As John passed though his solos they were perfectly restrained, probably not something he’ll ever be known for. Nothing had to be forced as the song gave itself to all of us in a way that completely stripped me of any unwarranted pride or ego. I felt a love so deep. A love that is far beyond anything I’ve ever deserved. Oteil showed the world that he is capable of handling Garcia’s greatest pieces in a manner that preserves everything about the songs that we love. It’s as though he has internal permission to deliver a message that I could only previously receive from Garcia. I’ve heard many artists sing Garcia’s tunes but internally there’s always been something that I can’t fully receive or accept in their delivery. Oteil may be the first musician whose delivery of those songs reaches the same emotional space in me that Garcia did. My core was completely shaken by the experience. Thank you for giving yourself to us Oteil. The size of your soul exceeds that of most men yet the size of your ego is inversely proportional. Those are some rare characteristics to be found in Rock Stars.

Then you get Eyes! Mama Mia… Sometimes I think Bob and Phil are competing to see who can sing Eyes worse… No doubt Phil is winning but Bob keeps himself in the race. I’m sure a lot of us sing along in our heads and I wonder if Bob knows that every time the next verse doesn’t get there when we do, a sweet little puppy gets worms? Didn’t matter, the jams made my brain do the equivalent of an Olympic floor exercise routine. Oteil’s solo slew the dragon whose tale Mayer still had a grip on. Unbelievable!

Drums was intense and Space provided a great launching pad for The Other One. By this point, we had to bolt from rail to get some space to breathe. As the Other One took us on the rough and tumble journey it always does, it melted away into my life’s most treasured experience, The Dew. It seemed like there was no other way to end the night. I’ve been critical about Weir on Garcia ballads for a long time but the Dew last night was as good as I’ve heard Bob sing it. He didn’t color it in ways it didn’t require but delivered it in a way that was as simple as it should be. In its simplicity, its beauty came through. Jeff and Mayer were outstanding as all of the emotion of the evening played itself through them powerfully and finished the process of tearing away any husk that would attempt to dull my shine. What a night!

Touch Encore was great because it means as much nowadays as it ever did. Watching my daughter last, I realized the next generation will continue to bring this thing forward in whatever form it takes. We Will Survive! We are already represented by the new wave of kids that will know this experience and carry it into the future. Johnny B. Goode on top of that and The Empire State building gets into the act with a light show. You know you’re MAJOR league Pimpin when the damn Empire State Building rocks out a light show to your encore!

It’s morning now… I started writing this review when I got home last hoping to capture some of the emotion when I got home in its rawest form. Forgive me for making the review a little more centered in my own life than usual but this blog is really just an electronic journal for my kids to read once I’m dead. Something that might give them some insight about how dad was other than the guy that takes them for ice cream. I was so proud of my daughter last night. Her little personality was on full blast and she was never overwhelmed by any of it at all. I wondered if it would have the same impact on her as it did and still does on me. The first thing she said to me when I got up this morning was, “Dad, I wanna go again, OK!” Uh Oh… Here we go down the rabbit hole… My empty cup was DEFINITELY filled last night!!!

Totally out of time, Love You Forever! See ya in the Camden Ghetto a little later. I’m gonna go get a weave for the show!

Dead To The Core,
Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)

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