The first review I did after night one in Santa Clara, I made a joke that based on current events legalizing Gay Marriage and being in the San Francisco area, Gay people arranged to have a rainbow arc over the Stadium at the end of the first set. Within hours the story of man made rainbows was everywhere. Well, this weekend, the production crew spent $1.5 Million dollars to completely stop wind in the Windy City. Barely a breeze for 4 days… The Grateful Dead, when working together, are the most powerful force in the universe. Even nature holds its breath when they play.

I woke up attempting to put together some type of synopsis about the events of the past 48-72 hours and it all seems so far from me right now. Like I’m reaching for the Gold Ring but it just slips away… So much time and energy has gone into it all since January. So much commitment over the decades… So many miles in the rear view mirror… So many incredible people… Places… So much laughter… So many tears… My emotions seemed to be waiting bedside when I got up this morning. It’s as if they were preloaded and set to be released but not before being given the chance to interfere with the potential of blocking any coherent thought I may possess… Conversation isn’t as natural as it seemed yesterday as decades of experiences wrapped in magic pass through my head like the finger of The Maker is turning the pages of the scrapbook in my mind.

I woke up Sunday morning with a sense of impending doom. I felt like I had a funeral to attend. I did what I did every morning, checked the safe in my room 5-10 times to make sure my tickets didn’t disappear. I met my pal, Eric, for breakfast and it seemed a little harder than usual to have a conversation or even string a few cohesive thoughts together. I tried everything in my limited power to make the clock move slower than it had been running since I got here on Thursday. After breakfast I went to the Congress Art thing to look around. I stopped at Robbi Cohn’s booth and just looked at pictures. I had every intention of making a purchase. Robbi, in her gentle way, said I was welcome to step behind the table to take a closer look. As I sat there, I was completely immersed in images of Garcia. I couldn’t hold back the tears so I did what a lot of men might do. I ran out of there like the Sheriff was after me. Emotions were running a little high…

I got a message from David Gans inviting me down to the Sirius tent for the preshow broadcast. I sat in my room and reflected on everything that’s transpired in the past few months. Between the time of his invite and the time I arrived, multiple people far more relevant than me stopped by the tent that served as the studio. David said he might not be able to get me on the show with the influx of real GD Celebrity and I understood as I have absolutely no inflated sense of my relevance. He said to hang around if I could and I’m glad I did. Carolyn Garcia stopped in with Trixie and that’s when everything turned around for me. Trixie is even more beautiful in person and when I look at her I see Jerry’s contribution to her genetic makeup and that just makes me happy. When Carolyn spoke, she emitted a certainty about nothing really ending but new beginnings that were being created. She talked about all of us continuing to do beautiful things together as a community. It changed something in me. It completely altered my internal energy and vibration. I started feeling like this was really not the end but a whole new beginning for all of us, together. Thanks Carolyn! David did end up putting me on the show and that was pretty wild for an absolute nobody that has been listening to The Grateful Dead Hour since the 80s.

As I took in the scene, interestingly enough, Peter Shapiro walked by. We’ve communicated by text almost daily since our initial encounter. I introduced myself and in an instant, you could hear the song “Dream Weaver” playing all around us as we shared a bromantic moment filled with Love. Some folks hug you out of obligation or as if they really would rather not. You can tell a lot about people by the way they hug you and Shapiro hugged me like I was a relative at his kid’s Bar Mitzvah. I hugged him back like he was a relative at my kid’s baptism. Heart to Heart and sincerely. The energy created cleared a sizable circle around us that no human could possibly walk through and live. Lucky for me, my brother Eric Schwartz from Lone Star Dead Radio, was there to capture the moment.

Peter Shapiro caught plenty of heat throughout this ordeal leading up to this past weekend. He took it like a leader. It’s time to recognize Shapiro for what he accomplished. Peter Shapiro is full of Love and cares more about our community than any other promoter that could’ve got the job. For those that said he was in over his head on this one, You were wrong. Peter Shapiro and Madison House put on one the greatest Grateful Dead experiences our community has ever witnessed. An event of that magnitude has more moving parts than most could ever imagine. The way fans were treated in and around the venue was unmatched. You had to be a real asshole to have a problem or get in trouble there. The displays, the roses, everything was ALL Dead ALL Weekend. The technical aspects of the show were tremendous. Sound and staging were awesome and the visual feast and lighting was brilliant! Fireworks and then… More Fireworks!!! I don’t think anybody alive could have done a better job than Peter Shapiro and the team that he assembled.

I wondered if Jeff Chimenti slept with the sound guy’s girlfriend though… If he did, Bruce must have been in on it too… Sound Master wasn’t interested in hearing much from Bruce and Jeff at all. Saturday Night it seemed like there may have been some hope for the guys tickling the ivories but it was short lived. It’s too bad, Jeff was having a blast and he’s an outstanding keyboard player but you wouldn’t be expected to know that after the past 5 shows. Smaller things like that didn’t have the power to take away from what we all experienced. Everything about the weekend was absolutely near perfect.

I do have one beef though… Who the hell designed Soldier Field?? Getting out of there every night was like having a flash back to being a fetus all over again. 70,000 people trying to get out of doors that were smaller than the front door at my house and we only have 4 of us getting in and out of ours. I felt like I was stuck in the birth canal just waiting for another contraction to move me along. I’m not sure how that design ever passed any type of inspection in Chicago but well… It is Chicago… That’s all I’m gonna say about that… Had a steady job…

On with the show! The band taking the stage caused immediate tears from those that didn’t catch the rap that Carolyn was laying down on Sirius. The band huddled together and so did we. It’s my understanding that Weir was the quarterback and called the play, “China Rider Estimated Built Samson To Moon Stones!” They broke the huddle and all flanked out to their respective positions. Game Time!!! Just hearing the tuning and foreplay before the first notes of Chinacat elicit the same response as Pavlov got from his dogs. It’s one of the staples of our existence in music. Those opening notes have always immediately signaled the beginning of something special. This was no different. The Biggest Dance Party of the last 2 decades had officially begun! The music was rich and thick with meaning and emotion and every note seemed to be squeezed a little harder as we cherished each and every one just a little more than usual.

Bob Weir stepped up to the plate in a huge way this weekend. It seemed like the same Maker turning the pages in my mind granted Bob a week’s return to the days of his youth. He seemed to become younger and younger each night. His ability to completely command the moment was exceptional every night and he reached in and grabbed pieces and pictures of all the years combined and put them on full display. It was like a wise elder showing you auditory pictures of your entire family album. He pushed as hard as I’ve seen him push himself going for the falsetto stuff and had moments that he actually got there. Estimated and Samson were strong and The Lost Sailor-> Saint and Saturday Night the night before were incredible. Even the flaws were flawless. I could name all the songs but we all know how it went down. One of Sunday’s highlights was definitely Throwing Stones. The interplay and connection toward the end between Bob, Phil and Trey was high voltage. These guys were having as much fun as we were. Weir started throwing chords into space like he didn’t give a shit if his shoulder exploded or not. Damn thing probably got all healed up during that jam! Shit like that will drop a healing on you with quickness!!! Probably icing that bitch today like a major league pitcher… You get all high in the moment and you can kick a medicine ball 20 yards with a broken foot! Feel that shit the next day though…

For the first time since the shows started I didn’t give a shit how long intermission was. I wanted it all to slow down a little. Everything about the entire weekend went far too fast. Except that West L.A. Fadeaway and Foolish Heart. Those were the musical equivalent of Bugs Bunny saying “Watch me perplex em with my super duper slow ball!” I needed to have the absence of gravity in order to move slow enough to dance to those tunes… The folks in the space station could’ve found the right moves for that pace. How did Hornsby discuss how he wanted to play that one??? “Here’s how I wanna do it, We’ll begin at a complete stop and just turn it up 1 notch from there!” I’ve had Court Appearances that moved along quicker than that…

I think the first set might have made a better second set to be honest with you, maybe trade that Althea for the Throwing Stones that probably should have been before NFA and keep Terrapin where it was but what the hell do I know anyway? I’m just a hack with a keyboard… It was all exactly how they wanted it I guess, and that was cool with me. Hearing those first notes of Althea was special. Althea is one of my favorite songs Garcia ever sang. You know who can sing Althea with the kind of depth that makes you feel as though every verse is a lifetime’s worth of wisdom? You know who has a voice that comes over you with such sweetness that you have to squint while you listen to it for some unknown reason? You know who has a voice that covers over you completely and resonates in the same key as your Soul eliciting the same neurological response as an infant has from their mother? You know who sits right in the midst of that story with their delivery of the lyric and sings completely independent and detached from the actions or tempo of their own hands and fingers while they play? Not Trey… Before the Phish people get a little too full of themselves, y’all might wanna pump the fuckin brakes right there… The answer is clearly, Garcia and NOBODY else that’s who… Trey was incredible and you could tell he loved singing that one. I loved hearing it but we gotta be honest about that.

Listening to Trey the past 5 shows has been incredible. I’ve read articles from mainstream news sources that have said Trey was filling in for Garcia. Trey was a guitarist for the shows but nobody fills in for Garcia. Those shoes only fit one pair of feet and those feet, along with the shoes, are gone. That being said, Trey was the only guy out there that has never tried to act like Garcia in the first place. His take on Standing On The Moon came across as sincere as a man could sing it. When it started, even a Trey fan like myself thought, “This could be a Bad Idea”. I was Dead Wrong! He sang it from a place that brought you closer to him. He sung it in a way that completely allowed this intrinsically genuine quality he possesses to be on display. I got the chills a little bit hearing it. You can tell how deep a well is by throwing a coin in it and listening for the sound. Saturday night during the solo in Stella Blue, Trey hit one note that absolutely struck me right in the center of my being. That note came from deep within his Soul. It was the reason why he was the right guitar for the job. Behind his seemingly humble eyes exists a soul that goes much deeper than the others. He’s done what he’s done without ever trying to act like anybody other than Trey. When you’re as cool as Trey, people try to act like you, you don’t try to act like other people… Trey added LIFE to that line up. He added something that only he had that needed to be there. His presence made everybody around him better as much as everybody else’s presence made him better. Trey did a stellar job being Trey while playing some songs that always have and always will be owned completely and totally by Garcia. With the song catalog he had before him, for the first time in his career he was able to sing a bunch of songs that really meant something. In a few weeks it’s back to serpent deflectors, mudrat detectors and running Antelopes. Don’t get me wrong, Phish is still the only other band I get on airplanes to see. Over 200 shows since 91 and hopefully at least that many more in my future. If you’re a 20 year old male with red hair and you got laid this weekend, you can Thank Trey!!! That brother single-handedly made being a dude with red hair cool!

The Touch of Grey encore was a little interesting to me. What made it interesting from my perspective is that it sounded like it lacked any real confidence. “It’s even worse than it appears but It’s all right” You know why? Maybe it’s not all right… Maybe the fact that Bob, Bill, Mickey and Phil are all still alive and able to make absolute Magic together yet are choosing not to is just really NOT all right… I’m not one of the people that think there should be full Tours because I’m certain I’d abandon all logic and wreck my life like I did so many times in the past to be part of it all again. BUT, I think 5 Shows a year until we’re all Dead isn’t a bad plan… I’ve seen every side project dozens of times and what I hear when I go is Music. What I experienced this past weekend went way beyond music… The Who began doing Farewell Tours in 1985. I won’t hate anybody if they rethink the whole damn thing and decide on a few more next year… Or in The Fall… At MSG… Just talkin a little to myself… And anybody else out there… Might be too soon for the conversation but I’m just throwing it out there… Maybe talk to Trey… Phish tried to call it quits but realized without each other they could only play songs but WITH each other they create something that goes way further than that… That’s all I’m gonna say about that for now… Attics was near perfect…

I had another thought this weekend… Phil does his Organ Donor Rap to all of us every night since he got the Liver. I hope if I ever gave up an organ for someone they would be half as grateful as Phil. I’ve met a lot of folks that have received organs that saved their lives but I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed someone that has shown the appreciation for it that he has. It’s really beautiful to see in a world where gratitude for contributions seems relatively short lived. One thing though… I can’t definitively assess the condition of the organs at Grateful Dead related events but from the looks of things, there weren’t many organs in there that would be in very good condition… No offense y’all but Soldier Field appeared to be like The Dollar Store of Organ Shopping… If I need an Organ, I hope I get it from a Taylor Swift Fan… I’m sure it would be in much better shape… All I can say is Thanks Cody!!! Thanks Phil for the extent of your gratitude and ongoing commitment to a worthy cause! Don’t forget to let your friends and family know that if something unforeseen happens to you, you want to be an organ donor!

There’s so many other things I’d like to talk about but this has gotten far too long already. If you’re still reading, I’m absolutely amazed because there’s no way in hell I would read this much of someone else’s shit… I don’t know where I’m going from here but I’ll just keep on moving along, putting my pants on like everyone else, both feet at the same time! Thanks to the countless folks that have supported me and were so incredibly kind to me this weekend. Your support has kept me going. Thanks to my family from Section 107! You know who you are!!! Having the same seats for 3 days helped us to create the kind of bonds with people that never would have been possible otherwise. I’m cosmically bonded to the folks I shared the weekend with forever! We had a GREAT crew there and I couldn’t be more grateful to get to know you folks throughout the weekend. Since they were all high level narcotics distributors, they didn’t want to be mentioned by name… I’d imagine that was the case for a lot of you as well. Meeting people I’ve shared the experience with through Social Media was just as much of a blast. “Never had such a good time, In My Life before!!!! I’d like to do it one time more! One long ride from start to end I’d like to take that ride again!!!!!!!” There’s no more tickets left in my envelope…

This thing is too long to proof read… Like The Dead, I don’t give a shit if there’s a few mistakes… My tears of Appreciation flow for the kindness you’ve all shown me along the way… I could never thank you enough…

Dead To The Core,

Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)