Grateful Dean

I’m dedicating this special edition of The Offical Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead and Music News to all the folks out there that get butthurt when I say anything that isn’t wonderful about a show. This review will be filled only with compliments and will include shameless pandering to the musicians and way over the top praise for everything that happened last night at Jiffy Lube. While the venue’s name lends itself to an abundance of promiscuous and unnecessary jokes, I refuse to tell a single one! On with the show!

Only kind people were in attendance as Dead & Company cruised right by Merriweather on the way to Jiffy Lube. Nobody cared because Jiffy Lube is much better anyway. Bristow, Virginia was the only place in the universe to be if you’re interested in having a conversation about what took place there at any time in the future. If you weren’t in attendance, all conversations about what happened there are invalid and you should STFU.  When Bob Weir woke up yesterday morning, he set his special showtime thermostat, that travels in one of those big black boxes, to 84 degrees. That’s precisely what temperature it was when the band took the stage. Even with plans to sing a song about rain later in the show, Bob kept it completely dry and sunny so nobody would guess.

The band opened with the best Shakedown since June 30, 1985, at Merriweather Post. I couldn’t believe my ears! The sound in the amphitheater was much better than The Wall of Sound. It wasn’t even close. All jams were perfect, nobody missed a beat and Mickey was so loud that the sound of his drums changed the cadence of my heartbeat. Uncle John’s Band was next and it seems as though this song was actually written by Robert Hunter in the past to prophesize the arrival of John Mayer in the future. No solos ever heard on this song were better than the ones they played last night. Minglewood followed and the crowd became dramatically younger and better looking as the song went on. Weir sang every word exactly how he should have sung it his whole life. His slide play was much better than Blind Willie Johnson or Muddy Waters. Then came Althea and the top of my head blew off! It was so good that Garcia came down on a cloud and gave the OK signal to everyone in order to let them know how much he approves of all this shit. Jeff’s solo turned the place upside down and was so powerful that everyone in the crowd instantly and intuitively knew from that moment on how to prevent split ends in their hair. Weir sang Peggy-O so beautifully that nobody went to the bathroom or needed a drink. Then Bertha! Oh. My. God. That part when the soloing is like a horse race between a bunch of musicians and the rest of the band is way ahead of Garcia until Garcia gets a full head of steam and starts squeezing notes together in a mad dash to the finish line where everybody meets all at once for the GIGANTIC BOOOMMM!!!! It was just like that only with Mayer! Then Weir busted out Woman Smarter and it was the most amazing way ever to close a set! WOW!!! What a set!!!

During intermission, I shared an orange with 12 people and had a wrap put in my hair. There was a massage circle and no lines for refreshments or the bathroom! Nobody threw up or pissed on anyone else’s shoe using the urinals. It was just like Grateful Dead Land, everything was perfect!

The second set started with Playin In the Band and it was every bit as psychedelic as anything that ever happened in the 60s! It flowed seamlessly into New Speedway and Weir was singing as good as Pavarotti in his prime. Everybody hugged each other and no-one owed anybody any money! He’s Gone was mystical and Angels filled the venue. Their breath was the song and the song was their breath! That’s when Oteil sang Fire On The Mountain. It was so crazy good and shit got so weird that during the second verse, I somehow bought a dog from a very fragrant man with dreadlocks.

Drums and Space were so outstanding that no senior citizens fell asleep at all. Not a single one! When Mickey started playing the beam, a woman next to me was instantly healed of vitiligo! Then during Space, the brown dirt called a Lawn totally grew in plush and by the time Bob started singing A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall, we were dancing on grass that was just like the fairways at Augusta National! As if the night couldn’t be any more perfect, The Playin Reprise caused everybody to donate all of their extra money to charity! If you thought it was time to go home, NO WAY JOSE, Throwing Stones! During that song, Al Franken was cured of his whiteness and started dancing properly for the first time since the Nassau Coliseum in 81! This was really turning out to be the best show ever! As Weir screamed, “WE ARE ON OUR OWWWWWWNNNNN!” I felt for the first time in my life that I was no longer afraid of Retrogrades. It was the happiest moment the universe ever experienced! US Blues started immediately and during that song, I grew almost a full 12 inches. I danced as happily as I possibly could, rejoicing in the fact that I wasn’t short anymore!

For the encore, they did a US Blues Reprise for the first time ever! It was so amazing that nobody could even dance because of the shock. Then they played everyone’s favorite song Liberty since they were so close to our nation’s capital. Weir sang it with so much skill and agility that he was like a vocal ballerina only different and better. The solos in the middle were so good they caused some people around me to look puzzled… It had to be the best Dead & Company show of all time!

I can’t wait to get to Citi Field on Saturday for what I’m sure will be a VERY special night. You’re gonna want to get there no matter how many commitments you have to blow off to do so. Take my word for it! This special edition is Deadicated to all the folks that get upset when I say something they don’t like about the band we all love… Love You Forever!

Dead To The Core,
Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)

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