In officially unofficial news, there’s a room with around $40 million in postal money orders in Stinson Beach California right now. Apparently the feedback has far exceeded any preconceived expectations. Announcements from our friends at GDTS TOO have informed us that the office is completely packed to the ceiling with envelopes and the official pre sale has been cancelled as well as the online ticket sales being pushed back two weeks in hopes of clearing all those requests out of the Stinson Beach office.

When questioned about the circumstances, Bob Weir said, “$40 million sitting in your office will heal your shoulder quick as Jesus!”

It’s incredible to think that the same people that have mailed $40 million to the Grateful Dead office are actively fighting for the right to sleep in a urine soaked parking lot.

When asked about the massive amount of money that has been mailed in, President Obama said, “I’m not at all surprised by this development. When states like Colorado legalized The Pot, we found many people that appeared to be homeless and receiving food stamps, had large amounts of disposable cash.”

Leading up to the announcement of the event, many reports questioned the status of the relationships between the Core 4. When asked about this, all New Yorkers said, “Posada, Mariano, Pettitte and Jeter have always gotten along just fine!”

The interest in the event began to trigger the possibilities and rumors of more shows being added to the Grateful Dead’s schedule in the future. When asked about the future, Miss Cleo said, “Shit ain’t been the same since we lost Dionne Warwick.”

Those who have no talent when it comes to decorating an envelope and were casting their luck on the Internet pre sale are, once again, screwed like a two dollar hooker on a military base. Tickets are already for sale on Stub Hub for $25,000 a piece. Just in case you were wondering, nobody has purchased one yet. With news developing quicker than arguments when somebody says “Trey,” the Grateful Dead are on top of Internet algorithms like un-neutered dogs in a room full of legs. Anticipation is building daily as the countdown to the historic event continues to gain momentum.

Fans with not much else to do but complain about things that either haven’t happened yet or happened over 30 years ago, are eagerly awaiting the results of their attempts at securing mail order tickets. Tour Vet 80’s group Admin, David Mamo, who moderates the group all by himself, without any help at all, is working like a guy named Mahmood at a Quickie Mart. According to David, “It seems as though the entire community developed Alzheimer’s overnight. It’s the same shit over and over and over and over again.” Interestingly enough, the name Mahmood in Arabic means  “praiseworthy.”

Longtime antagonist extraordinaire Tito Garcia was interviewed for this piece but his reply to a single question managed to contain at least one thing that was offensive to every race, gender, creed, religion and age bracket. We’ve left it out of this piece but are happy to report that the man who shares the last name of everyone’s favorite artist will be in Chicago for the festivities. Tito has irritated more Dead Heads than scabies over the years and is training at a fight club on the west coast preparing for the event. According to Tito, “Anybody that gets in my face will feel like a centipede is kicking their ass they’ll get hit so many times!” Gladly, we all expect a peaceful gathering of the faithful.

Meanwhile, Chicago law enforcement is looking through old Grateful Dead related arrests and warrants like people that have run out of Cocaine look through shag carpet. Detailed plans are rolling out in hopes of cracking down on the leadership structure of the Infamous Nitrous Mafia. While some folks think the Nitrous Mafia is just another myth, Chicago Police have learned otherwise. Apparently a highly structured “family” of gangsters with close ties to the dental and cake decorating industries have been operating in the country’s parking lots for quite some time.

When asked about the group’s existence, Grateful Dead and Phish fan Marc Frankel, owner and operator of Marcman Studios, and a genius in the world of websites and related technology said,  “Those motherfuckers are like Keyser Söze. My friend Keaton always said, ‘I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.’ Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.”

There’s been reports as well that bed bugs are preparing diligently for an Infestation of Hippies.

Other than the birth of my kids, I can’t remember the last time my world was as focused around an event as it is right now. I’ll add my own point of view to the activity that’s captivated our lives for the past couple of weeks. For the first time in my existence as a Dead Head, the magnitude of the event and what it represents is so much bigger than the individuals involved. This one is as much for all of US as it is for our favorite musicians. For the very first time in my touring life, the music will be secondary to the celebration of the community that helped shape who I am today. I’ll welcome whatever comes through the band and the Meyer Sound speakers regardless of how it comes across my ears. I know Garcia is gone but I’m almost certain we’ll all feel him there in some way. I’ll savor the environment that is a representation of how I’ve spent an enormous part of the past 30 years of my life, most of the time Dead, the other times, Gone Phishin’. I’ll look for the old faces that I haven’t seen in over 20 years and I look forward to meeting so many of the folks I’ve met on message boards and Facebook Groups for the past several years. This time, the event is so much bigger than the set lists…

Gratefully Deadicated,

Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

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