Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly) here, officially reporting from Stinson Beach, California by way of the Internet. Die hard fans of rock and roll hall Of famers, the Grateful Dead, have singlehandedly solved the economic crisis that crippled the United States just yesterday. The US Postal Service became profitable for the first time since 1995 as Dead Heads flooded the country’s offices mail ordering requests at a chance of scoring tickets to the 4th of July event in Chicago.

The Grateful Dead, whose mail order process has been updated about as often as their followers’ clothing, still requires fans to send individual postal money orders for every show they plan to attend plus individual money orders for separate shipping charges when applicable. One of the bigger problems facing those who choose to mail order their requests was figuring out how to fit a #10 sized envelope into another #10 sized envelope.

People who couldn’t afford dental work or diapers last week, have now floated $7,000 into the mail system for an undetermined amount of time hoping to secure the magic tickets. Some fans simply chose to put stamps on their self addressed envelopes because after purchasing $7,000 worth of tickets, $20 is too much to pay for shipping. When asked about the activity of the past day, Vern, a postal employee from Macon, Georgia said, “We dun run flat outta dem dar muney erders!”  Vern said he didn’t know anything about Dead Heads but was familiar with crack heads who typically pay their past due electric and water bills with money orders.

Many fans channeled their inner Picasso decorating their requests in hopes of being noticed far more than those who obviously can’t draw worth a shit. Social Networking sites posted pictures of elaborate fan art as it became obvious that many people spent more time on this envelope than the typical rock star spends with their children during the course of a year. People with far less artistic ability, once seeing these posts, began signing up for a chance at the Internet pre sale immediately. They’re clearly screwed like a tied up goat on the hills of Greece.

The Grateful Dead ticket office, in Stinson Beach, California, is getting more action this week than Bob Weir on the Europe ’72 Tour. The last time this many requests came in fans were chanting, “Let Phil Sing!” a chant that hasn’t been heard since 1995 but in recent years has left fans wondering, “What the hell were we thinking?”

Message boards continue to be filled by posts ranging from the Grateful to the Hateful. When asked about the current chatter, Jeff Chimenti, who will be manning the keyboards for the historic event said, “I’m just glad all those bitches have left me out of the conversation like a one legged man at an ass kicking contest!” Interestingly enough, when Trey Anastasio was asked about the multitudes of opinions coming in from Grateful Dead Land he said, “I feel like the only ass that showed up for the ass kicking competition.”

The answers given on interviews clearly show that this group of musicians are on the same page and are already showing signs of creative chemistry. You can be sure of one thing, They both will be there and they both will make it apparent, early and often, why they were chosen. It’s well known that Trey has made having red hair cool for the first time in history. As a Phish fan with over 200 Shows under my belt since 1991, I couldn’t be happier with the selection.

Wrapping up this mail order edition of the official source of unofficial anniversary news, I leave you with this: it’s a big ass stadium. There’s a HUGE heap of tickets. If you don’t buy them from scalpers, scalpers can’t sell them. When scalpers are holding thousands of dollars of tickets that aren’t selling on the secondary market, they begin to shit all over themselves like their assholes blew out. When that happens they begin to sell tickets like deck furniture on their sinking Titanic that was built from unrealized hopes and dreams of riches. They begin taking anything they can get in order to escape from under their botched delusions of grandeur. Do everybody a favor and do your part as well in assisting a scalper to eventually shit himself. Keep that in mind please and until next time, stay grateful my friends!

Gratefully Yours,
Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)

Facebook: Grateful Dean
Facebook Group: The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News