The announcement of The Grateful Dead’s 50th Anniversary shows officially broke the internet this morning. Luckily, Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet as well as global warming had a back up plan. After crawling out of his hole in the ground and quickly hitting the reset button it became official that there would still be 62 more days of winter. When asked where he’s been he simply replied, “Resting.” Apparently after a recent meeting at the Bohemian Grove with rock star and most lusted after member of The Grateful Dead, Bob Weir, Bob was convinced to begin resting as well.

It also became official that every hotel in Chicago was now sold out. The world’s most loyal fans have been seen rushing into places like Staples and Office Depot purchasing index cards in record numbers. Most fans, born well before anyone other than a secretary knew how to type, are shuffling to find free programs to teach them online. They do this in hopes of possessing the skills required to access tickets from a Ticketmaster system that uses words like “ConfoundingMilkButter Throatwobblamangrove” as security keys to prevent automated programs from purchasing tickets. In all reality, it only prevents middle aged people like me, who never had to learn how to type, from acquiring tickets. When asked what he’d do to acquire tickets, Noah from Crested Butte said, “Wow man… I like… Not sure what I was gonna say… Can I bum a smoke off you bro?”

In a world where only uncertainty is certain, now fans are beginning to limber up and begin rehearsing for what proves to be one final opportunity to dance with a reunited edition of their favorite band. As quickly as airlines are making money, barber shops are losing it as anxious middle aged professional types are foregoing haircuts once again hoping it will be long in the back by 4th of July.

With the announcement of the shows also came the unveiling of ticket prices. Poverty minded fans were in an uproar that ticket prices were well over $12. Many are calling the event a “cash grab” by guys that already have an assload of loot. Those people are unkind. On the flip side, others that actually have jobs were thrilled to hear about the availability of VIP packages. They will finally be VIPs without knowing a single person or having any relevance at all. When asked about this phenomenon, NJ Chiropractor, Dean Sottile happily stated, “I’m so glad that I’ll finally be treated like I’m a somebody when in all reality I’m a total nobody!”

While vendors are already diligently creating artwork and printing t-shirts, the sure hit on the lot this time around is bound to be the invention of the Viagra brownie. New strains of marijuana seem to put aging people to sleep quicker than a newborn in a rocking chair, as can be witnessed in the balcony of the Capitol Theatre. Certainly this calls for something that will help keep them up.

There were many mixed feelings when it was announced that Troy Pistachio, of the band Fishes was chosen to play guitar during this incredibly special weekend. Why would the band choose a guitarist whose career is focused almost entirely on creating original music? Why would they select somebody that has gone about the music business selling out places like Madison Square Garden without having any popular appeal or notable history of record sales? Many fans thought that the only thing worse than Troy playing Garcia’s spots would be nearly every other guitarist that’s still alive. While the Phish camp is glowing with anticipation, Mike Gordon was heard saying, “……………..” with an intensely straight look on his face.

The first thing to show up on the Internet was a post by ringleader and Co-founder of the Facebook group “Grateful dead Tour Veterans 1990’s.” Brian Levine simply posted “Soldier Field” days before more detailed leaks emerged. Unofficial Grateful Dead Historian Scott Allen provided more meat on that bone than Kim K.’s now famous ass picture when he leaked details surrounding the officially announced event. Message Boards were racing to create a Cyber-throne hailing him as “King of Knowing.” He apparently knew much more than the majority of people that knew much less. Many people wondered if he was the kind of guy that knows every song the band will play only moments before they actually begin playing it. While those people can at times be aggravating to sit next to, there’s one thing for sure, he called that shit! Good lookin’ out, Scott! The People Love You! Those who can’t read probably won’t read this anyway.

In other news, nobody cares about any other news today… Back to Chicago!

There were mixed feelings regarding Bruce Hornsby on piano as the fans who are truly now older than shit believe the band died with Pigpen. They hate Keith, Donna, Brent, Vince, Bruce and all other special guests that have played any type of keyboard since then. The majority however are embracing Bruce as a participant as long as he leaves his squeeze box at home. It’s become clear to the majority of the community as well that Sam Cutler was lying; Many folks are appalled by his silly post about the reunion taking place near Russia as their airfares are non-refundable.

In closing, one begs to ask, has enough time passed to admit Touch Of Grey is a great song or are we still obligated to pretend like we hate it? In one of the few places, other than shuffleboard tournaments, where the only way to be cooler is to be older, I know this; There’s gonna be some folks in attendance that had their first childhood Christmas pictures taken while actually sitting on Jesus’ lap, predating Santa.

As an avid fan and attendee of over 350 Grateful Dead Shows since 1985, I will certainly be there. I will seek to share hugs with everybody that hates me and are appalled by my writing. I will purchase a real poncho, not a Sears poncho. I will spend a weekend celebrating the journey that assisted in the development of everything I am as a human. I will wholeheartedly take in every moment of this weekend as if it’s the last because… It just might be.

Stay Grateful My Friends!!!