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Since the rumors that proceeded the official announcement, nothing has been the same in Grateful Dead Land. A palpable energy that rivals the feeling we had in the old days when the lighting guys climbed up their ladders is ever present within all of our daily lives. This week was no exception. Here’s your week in review…

Weir got a total brojob from John Mayer on the Really Friggin Late Show and millions of Chinese men were instantly referred to this website by Google due to this sentence and the headline. I think I speak for everybody when I say Bob looked well fed. His streamlined physique of the past has given way to a shape that more resembles the VW Bugs that have followed him around the country for nearly 50 years. Then again, for just about all of us, every Throwback Thursday has shown us that our current picture looks like the “Before” shot in nearly every self improvement program on earth and our pictures from the past more closely resemble the “After”. Just another case of “the sky was yellow and the sun was blue.”

As previously reported, John Mayer, now listening to the Dead for 3 whole years, absolutely understood who the alpha male was once Weir walked onto the set of the show this week. John was interviewed off camera at the after show party and was heard saying, “At nearly 100 years old he’s absolutely magnetic and oozes an otherworldly sensuality. As manly as I am, even I dreamed of Weir treating me like an aspiring actress at Bill Cosby’s House.”

Trips to the mailbox have become just like trips to probation officers on urine day. For 20 years the mailbox overflowed with flyers and unpaid bills as mail carriers often questioned whether or not the residents were still alive. Within the past 2 weeks 90% of Dead Heads now know their letter carrier’s name, marital status, number and names of children, place of birth, astrological sign and number of years on the job. For the first time since 1995, Dead Heads are treating postal employees like official Grateful Dead Family. Since most Grateful Dead fans have never tipped their letter carriers at Christmas, their mail people find great joy in delivering rejection letters to their new BFFs.

A new problem now exists as fans begin returning to post offices, that typically carry about $125 in petty cash, demanding their $5000 in unused money orders be refunded immediately. As post offices encourage fans to deposit them in their bank accounts they’re quickly realizing over 50% of the fans of the Grateful Dead don’t have bank accounts. When encouraged to open an account, it was discovered that another 50% of fans were far too paranoid to let a bank know they exist. The postal service has acknowledged this mail order debacle as the biggest challenge since the arrival of UPS and other companies that deliver shit far more effectively.

Western Union, a fan favorite throughout the years on Grateful Dead Tour, has facilitated more drug deals than the entire country of Columbia. They claim that fans that used their overpriced and unreasonable services should have much fewer problems with their refunds since they’re still the preferred method of money transfer for nearly all illegal activity in the country as well as most of the world. Anybody that actually toured with the Dead is well acquainted with their services and have used them in nearly every state in the country. Nothing says crime like picking up cash sent to Casey Jones in Bonner Springs, Kansas with absolutely no ID required!

Rumors of added shows began to circulate as information leaked by Grateful Dead super fan, Ted Kane, that Shoreline Amphitheater was booked for shows in the Summer under the name “Nickelback”. Ted, a fine man whose facial hair has been known to cause Beard Envy, cracked the code of this alias by assuming the four original members plus Bruce made 5 thus the clever name. Be sure to buy your tickets early! Executives at Madison Square Garden were questioned about bands that have booked the historic venue and replied, “We don’t know nuttin.” Everybody that’s from the northeast is well aware that “I don’t know nuttin” really means, “That motherfucker knows something!” Only time will tell…

In these trying and uncertain times medical doctors have discovered an entirely new and treatable condition that’s being called,
Social Ticket Related Emotional Sensitivity Syndrome or STRESS for short. Symptoms include mailbox obsession, spending over 20 hours a week rereading the VIP Packages on CID’s website and posting the exact same questions as everybody else on every Facebook group you belong to. Petitions can be found online urging legislators to allow for the issuance of medical marijuana cards to treat this condition naturally.
As Big Pharma becomes increasingly more aware of the rising presence of Big Ganja, there’s sure to be an epic battle.

While mentioning VIP Packages, many women between the ages of 45 and 65 were wondering if the Steve Parish Package would still be available. For many years, they took care of Steve’s Package and were permitted entry without any tickets at all.

That’s all for this week my friends, stay tuned… Love You Long Time!!!!

Gratefully Deadicated,

Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

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CID Packages Pack a Punch Plus a Few Thoughts From the Official Home of Unofficial News!

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Monday Morning, CID Entertainment revealed their plans and packages for The Grateful Dead’s Fare Thee Well Shows in Chicago. In a highly anticipated moment you could hear the collective sound of thousands of anuses snap shut like Republicans at a Burlesque Show. For some reason, fans thought that being a VIP should come at far less of a price. For those that want to be as close to Garcia as possible during the weekend’s festivities, The Workingman’s Dead Package, sure to sell out relatively fast, affords you the opportunity to have reserved seats not far from Jerry’s current home. Maybe slap a sticker on the blimp as it flies by!!! An absolutely brilliant way to sell the less desirable seats I might add! Some fans wondered if there would be cheaper ways to be part of the action. Joe, the leader of a garage band in the 70s said, “Be a crew slut! You’ll love it! Don’t make a fuss just get on the bus…”

It seems like hippies are extremely upset about pricey plans designed to put prime seats in the hands of the same people they’ve been overcharging for drugs for the past 50 years. Santa Cruz Hippie, who goes by the name, Wholesome Raindrop Sunflake told us, “I never thought those working stiffs I’ve been selling $100 eighths to for the past decade would have better seats than me.Total cash grab, man.” Meanwhile, thousands of nerds that went to college instead of Grateful Dead Tour appeared to be thrilled to have a chance at purchasing something that used to actually require connections.

At approximately 7:30 AM Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow which signaled 5 more months of complaining before the shows in Chicago. Of course there are many exceptions to be found. Brother Bob Richards, a man that used to have dreadlocks, said he was happier than a suitcase full of acrobats! Brother Bob who reserved hotel accommodations based solely on rumors told us, “I haven’t been this happy since Jerry sang Candyman, Althea and To Lay Me Down all in one set in Atlanta on April Fool’s Day in 1990.” When asked what he had for lunch or what his mom’s birthday is, Bob was clueless. When asked about the song played in the post space Jerry ballad slot he quickly answered, “Stella Blue!!!” For all the brain cells that have been murdered throughout the years, one thing remains, we all still vividly remember every song that was played on our favorite nights from decades ago.

As for me, with every day that passes, I see more and more of what the Grateful Dead experience has taught me throughout the course of my life. Within our world there are so many different types of personalities. Some can laugh, some insist on crying. Some find joy in just about anything. Others,  when given the same set of circumstances, will only find problems. For many, everything is good enough while for others, nothing is ever good enough. In the early stages of events leading up to this anniversary, it’s like putting a magnifying glass on everybody’s internal condition. That’s something our scene has produced in such a unique way for a long, long time. The free spirited ways of my youth with the Grateful Dead taught me to surrender to the rhythm of life without being attached to my perception of how things should be according to my intellectual estimations. I learned that those that contribute to the scene, without necessarily expecting anything in return, usually stayed on the receiving end of good fortune. I learned that those who preached many of these ideas could easily become something much different when given the opportunity. I also learned that many of the folks that showed me these things stayed pure and true to them even when external opportunities to become something else were being chosen by many around them. I’ve kept those people close. I learned that when the lights went out in the arena the intense lights of self awareness began to shine brightly on my soul and internal condition. I learned not to take myself so damn seriously. I learned that in the middle of a Playin jam, every confused and unsure piece of me would bubble up to the surface for assessment and release if I surrendered to it. I learned in the middle of a China Doll, as tears poured down my face from the depths of my heart, that I was only fractured not completely broken. Just a little nervous, not to be labeled with a condition like anxiety. I learned that I didn’t need a therapist, just close friends and Spring Tour. I learned as the incredible power of a Morning Dew pulled the curtain off of all my fears and insecurities and placed them before my eyes to be dealt with or just stuffed back into a dark corner of my mind. The choice was always mine and mine alone. I learned the immense significance found in it’s closing verse as Garcia reached deep and proclaimed “I guess it doesn’t matterrrr anyyyyy waaaaaaaaaay!!!” The statement was so significant because of depth and magnitude of humility inherent in it’s delivery… Because in all reality, It did matter… It always mattered… It still matters…

Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

www.gratefuldean.com
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