In officially unofficial news, there’s a room with around $40 million in postal money orders in Stinson Beach California right now. Apparently the feedback has far exceeded any preconceived expectations. Announcements from our friends at GDTS TOO have informed us that the office is completely packed to the ceiling with envelopes and the official pre sale has been cancelled as well as the online ticket sales being pushed back two weeks in hopes of clearing all those requests out of the Stinson Beach office.

When questioned about the circumstances, Bob Weir said, “$40 million sitting in your office will heal your shoulder quick as Jesus!”

It’s incredible to think that the same people that have mailed $40 million to the Grateful Dead office are actively fighting for the right to sleep in a urine soaked parking lot.

When asked about the massive amount of money that has been mailed in, President Obama said, “I’m not at all surprised by this development. When states like Colorado legalized The Pot, we found many people that appeared to be homeless and receiving food stamps, had large amounts of disposable cash.”

Leading up to the announcement of the event, many reports questioned the status of the relationships between the Core 4. When asked about this, all New Yorkers said, “Posada, Mariano, Pettitte and Jeter have always gotten along just fine!”

The interest in the event began to trigger the possibilities and rumors of more shows being added to the Grateful Dead’s schedule in the future. When asked about the future, Miss Cleo said, “Shit ain’t been the same since we lost Dionne Warwick.”

Those who have no talent when it comes to decorating an envelope and were casting their luck on the Internet pre sale are, once again, screwed like a two dollar hooker on a military base. Tickets are already for sale on Stub Hub for $25,000 a piece. Just in case you were wondering, nobody has purchased one yet. With news developing quicker than arguments when somebody says “Trey,” the Grateful Dead are on top of Internet algorithms like un-neutered dogs in a room full of legs. Anticipation is building daily as the countdown to the historic event continues to gain momentum.

Fans with not much else to do but complain about things that either haven’t happened yet or happened over 30 years ago, are eagerly awaiting the results of their attempts at securing mail order tickets. Tour Vet 80’s group Admin, David Mamo, who moderates the group all by himself, without any help at all, is working like a guy named Mahmood at a Quickie Mart. According to David, “It seems as though the entire community developed Alzheimer’s overnight. It’s the same shit over and over and over and over again.” Interestingly enough, the name Mahmood in Arabic means  “praiseworthy.”

Longtime antagonist extraordinaire Tito Garcia was interviewed for this piece but his reply to a single question managed to contain at least one thing that was offensive to every race, gender, creed, religion and age bracket. We’ve left it out of this piece but are happy to report that the man who shares the last name of everyone’s favorite artist will be in Chicago for the festivities. Tito has irritated more Dead Heads than scabies over the years and is training at a fight club on the west coast preparing for the event. According to Tito, “Anybody that gets in my face will feel like a centipede is kicking their ass they’ll get hit so many times!” Gladly, we all expect a peaceful gathering of the faithful.

Meanwhile, Chicago law enforcement is looking through old Grateful Dead related arrests and warrants like people that have run out of Cocaine look through shag carpet. Detailed plans are rolling out in hopes of cracking down on the leadership structure of the Infamous Nitrous Mafia. While some folks think the Nitrous Mafia is just another myth, Chicago Police have learned otherwise. Apparently a highly structured “family” of gangsters with close ties to the dental and cake decorating industries have been operating in the country’s parking lots for quite some time.

When asked about the group’s existence, Grateful Dead and Phish fan Marc Frankel, owner and operator of Marcman Studios, and a genius in the world of websites and related technology said,  “Those motherfuckers are like Keyser Söze. My friend Keaton always said, ‘I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.’ Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.”

There’s been reports as well that bed bugs are preparing diligently for an Infestation of Hippies.

Other than the birth of my kids, I can’t remember the last time my world was as focused around an event as it is right now. I’ll add my own point of view to the activity that’s captivated our lives for the past couple of weeks. For the first time in my existence as a Dead Head, the magnitude of the event and what it represents is so much bigger than the individuals involved. This one is as much for all of US as it is for our favorite musicians. For the very first time in my touring life, the music will be secondary to the celebration of the community that helped shape who I am today. I’ll welcome whatever comes through the band and the Meyer Sound speakers regardless of how it comes across my ears. I know Garcia is gone but I’m almost certain we’ll all feel him there in some way. I’ll savor the environment that is a representation of how I’ve spent an enormous part of the past 30 years of my life, most of the time Dead, the other times, Gone Phishin’. I’ll look for the old faces that I haven’t seen in over 20 years and I look forward to meeting so many of the folks I’ve met on message boards and Facebook Groups for the past several years. This time, the event is so much bigger than the set lists…

Gratefully Deadicated,

Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

We’re on Facebook: The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News

Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly) here, officially reporting from Stinson Beach, California by way of the Internet. Die hard fans of rock and roll hall Of famers, the Grateful Dead, have singlehandedly solved the economic crisis that crippled the United States just yesterday. The US Postal Service became profitable for the first time since 1995 as Dead Heads flooded the country’s offices mail ordering requests at a chance of scoring tickets to the 4th of July event in Chicago.

The Grateful Dead, whose mail order process has been updated about as often as their followers’ clothing, still requires fans to send individual postal money orders for every show they plan to attend plus individual money orders for separate shipping charges when applicable. One of the bigger problems facing those who choose to mail order their requests was figuring out how to fit a #10 sized envelope into another #10 sized envelope.

People who couldn’t afford dental work or diapers last week, have now floated $7,000 into the mail system for an undetermined amount of time hoping to secure the magic tickets. Some fans simply chose to put stamps on their self addressed envelopes because after purchasing $7,000 worth of tickets, $20 is too much to pay for shipping. When asked about the activity of the past day, Vern, a postal employee from Macon, Georgia said, “We dun run flat outta dem dar muney erders!”  Vern said he didn’t know anything about Dead Heads but was familiar with crack heads who typically pay their past due electric and water bills with money orders.

Many fans channeled their inner Picasso decorating their requests in hopes of being noticed far more than those who obviously can’t draw worth a shit. Social Networking sites posted pictures of elaborate fan art as it became obvious that many people spent more time on this envelope than the typical rock star spends with their children during the course of a year. People with far less artistic ability, once seeing these posts, began signing up for a chance at the Internet pre sale immediately. They’re clearly screwed like a tied up goat on the hills of Greece.

The Grateful Dead ticket office, in Stinson Beach, California, is getting more action this week than Bob Weir on the Europe ’72 Tour. The last time this many requests came in fans were chanting, “Let Phil Sing!” a chant that hasn’t been heard since 1995 but in recent years has left fans wondering, “What the hell were we thinking?”

Message boards continue to be filled by posts ranging from the Grateful to the Hateful. When asked about the current chatter, Jeff Chimenti, who will be manning the keyboards for the historic event said, “I’m just glad all those bitches have left me out of the conversation like a one legged man at an ass kicking contest!” Interestingly enough, when Trey Anastasio was asked about the multitudes of opinions coming in from Grateful Dead Land he said, “I feel like the only ass that showed up for the ass kicking competition.”

The answers given on interviews clearly show that this group of musicians are on the same page and are already showing signs of creative chemistry. You can be sure of one thing, They both will be there and they both will make it apparent, early and often, why they were chosen. It’s well known that Trey has made having red hair cool for the first time in history. As a Phish fan with over 200 Shows under my belt since 1991, I couldn’t be happier with the selection.

Wrapping up this mail order edition of the official source of unofficial anniversary news, I leave you with this: it’s a big ass stadium. There’s a HUGE heap of tickets. If you don’t buy them from scalpers, scalpers can’t sell them. When scalpers are holding thousands of dollars of tickets that aren’t selling on the secondary market, they begin to shit all over themselves like their assholes blew out. When that happens they begin to sell tickets like deck furniture on their sinking Titanic that was built from unrealized hopes and dreams of riches. They begin taking anything they can get in order to escape from under their botched delusions of grandeur. Do everybody a favor and do your part as well in assisting a scalper to eventually shit himself. Keep that in mind please and until next time, stay grateful my friends!

Gratefully Yours,
Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)

Facebook: Grateful Dean
Facebook Group: The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News