The announcement of The Grateful Dead’s 50th Anniversary shows officially broke the internet this morning. Luckily, Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet as well as global warming had a back up plan. After crawling out of his hole in the ground and quickly hitting the reset button it became official that there would still be 62 more days of winter. When asked where he’s been he simply replied, “Resting.” Apparently after a recent meeting at the Bohemian Grove with rock star and most lusted after member of The Grateful Dead, Bob Weir, Bob was convinced to begin resting as well.

It also became official that every hotel in Chicago was now sold out. The world’s most loyal fans have been seen rushing into places like Staples and Office Depot purchasing index cards in record numbers. Most fans, born well before anyone other than a secretary knew how to type, are shuffling to find free programs to teach them online. They do this in hopes of possessing the skills required to access tickets from a Ticketmaster system that uses words like “ConfoundingMilkButter Throatwobblamangrove” as security keys to prevent automated programs from purchasing tickets. In all reality, it only prevents middle aged people like me, who never had to learn how to type, from acquiring tickets. When asked what he’d do to acquire tickets, Noah from Crested Butte said, “Wow man… I like… Not sure what I was gonna say… Can I bum a smoke off you bro?”

In a world where only uncertainty is certain, now fans are beginning to limber up and begin rehearsing for what proves to be one final opportunity to dance with a reunited edition of their favorite band. As quickly as airlines are making money, barber shops are losing it as anxious middle aged professional types are foregoing haircuts once again hoping it will be long in the back by 4th of July.

With the announcement of the shows also came the unveiling of ticket prices. Poverty minded fans were in an uproar that ticket prices were well over $12. Many are calling the event a “cash grab” by guys that already have an assload of loot. Those people are unkind. On the flip side, others that actually have jobs were thrilled to hear about the availability of VIP packages. They will finally be VIPs without knowing a single person or having any relevance at all. When asked about this phenomenon, NJ Chiropractor, Dean Sottile happily stated, “I’m so glad that I’ll finally be treated like I’m a somebody when in all reality I’m a total nobody!”

While vendors are already diligently creating artwork and printing t-shirts, the sure hit on the lot this time around is bound to be the invention of the Viagra brownie. New strains of marijuana seem to put aging people to sleep quicker than a newborn in a rocking chair, as can be witnessed in the balcony of the Capitol Theatre. Certainly this calls for something that will help keep them up.

There were many mixed feelings when it was announced that Troy Pistachio, of the band Fishes was chosen to play guitar during this incredibly special weekend. Why would the band choose a guitarist whose career is focused almost entirely on creating original music? Why would they select somebody that has gone about the music business selling out places like Madison Square Garden without having any popular appeal or notable history of record sales? Many fans thought that the only thing worse than Troy playing Garcia’s spots would be nearly every other guitarist that’s still alive. While the Phish camp is glowing with anticipation, Mike Gordon was heard saying, “……………..” with an intensely straight look on his face.

The first thing to show up on the Internet was a post by ringleader and Co-founder of the Facebook group “Grateful dead Tour Veterans 1990’s.” Brian Levine simply posted “Soldier Field” days before more detailed leaks emerged. Unofficial Grateful Dead Historian Scott Allen provided more meat on that bone than Kim K.’s now famous ass picture when he leaked details surrounding the officially announced event. Message Boards were racing to create a Cyber-throne hailing him as “King of Knowing.” He apparently knew much more than the majority of people that knew much less. Many people wondered if he was the kind of guy that knows every song the band will play only moments before they actually begin playing it. While those people can at times be aggravating to sit next to, there’s one thing for sure, he called that shit! Good lookin’ out, Scott! The People Love You! Those who can’t read probably won’t read this anyway.

In other news, nobody cares about any other news today… Back to Chicago!

There were mixed feelings regarding Bruce Hornsby on piano as the fans who are truly now older than shit believe the band died with Pigpen. They hate Keith, Donna, Brent, Vince, Bruce and all other special guests that have played any type of keyboard since then. The majority however are embracing Bruce as a participant as long as he leaves his squeeze box at home. It’s become clear to the majority of the community as well that Sam Cutler was lying; Many folks are appalled by his silly post about the reunion taking place near Russia as their airfares are non-refundable.

In closing, one begs to ask, has enough time passed to admit Touch Of Grey is a great song or are we still obligated to pretend like we hate it? In one of the few places, other than shuffleboard tournaments, where the only way to be cooler is to be older, I know this; There’s gonna be some folks in attendance that had their first childhood Christmas pictures taken while actually sitting on Jesus’ lap, predating Santa.

As an avid fan and attendee of over 350 Grateful Dead Shows since 1985, I will certainly be there. I will seek to share hugs with everybody that hates me and are appalled by my writing. I will purchase a real poncho, not a Sears poncho. I will spend a weekend celebrating the journey that assisted in the development of everything I am as a human. I will wholeheartedly take in every moment of this weekend as if it’s the last because… It just might be.

Stay Grateful My Friends!!!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Interwebs are aglow this week after sparks of a Grateful Dead 50th Anniversary Tour or set of shows were just looking for enough gasoline to create a fire. It seems as though the rumors were once again given the traction they needed when unofficial Grateful Dead writer, Scott Allen, was the first on the scene pretending to know something about the future. Scott, whose most recent publication, AB2B has sold nearly 2,000 copies, reported last year from The Capitol Theater, in Port Chester, NY, that Phil was the last member of the Band to sign a contract agreeing to play The Lockn’ Festival for the reunion. Interestingly enough, Lockn tickets were scheduled to go on sale within weeks. Apparently the talk backstage that night involved drummer, Joe Russo, saying to some of the guys after meeting a middle aged female fan, “I’ll be Lockin that ass in my room later.”

It’s also been rumored that Scott is receiving a five figure salary from the Grand Poobah of today’s psychedelic scene, Peter Shapiro, for sniffing the strychnine and Metamucil farts out of the seats in the balcony following Phil and Friends’ performances. To Furthur accelerate the anticipation of things to come, Bob Weir was overheard at one of Sammy Hagar’s holiday parties saying, “If she asks me to do one more damn project around the house, I’m going back on the road. Doesn’t she know I’m Bob fuckin’ Weir?”

In his most recent post, the anniversary shows are now headed to Soldier Field in Chicago on 4th of July weekend and will feature a longtime fan favorite on guitar, Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

As the reports began to spread faster than venereal diseases at Rainbow Gatherings, social network moderators policing the band’s devout fan base were attempting to calm the insanity and maintain some semblance of order. It seems as though the rumor mill turned into a ferris wheel regarding the guitarist that would sit in with the band. The word on the street is that guitar players will be rotating through the band quicker than blowjobs in the 80s.

While everybody began to know somebody that knows somebody it seems as though nobody knows anybody including this somebody. When I attempted to contact Bill Kreutzmann regarding the rumors he answered briefly by saying, “Who the fuck are you and how did you get my number? Go Fuck yourself you nobody, I’m Bill Kreutzmann DAMMIT!!!”

I attempted to reach Mickey as well but his representatives told me he was putting an end to global hunger through drumming or some kind of shit like that. When I asked if she could be more specific she replied, “Sure, call back after you go fuck yourself.”

The news created a shakeup on Wall Street as cheese futures made a dramatic upturn. When asked why he failed to get on board, Warren Buffett, no relation to Jimmy, stated he was unsure of the “juice” the Core 4 had within the jamming community and feared that aging fans most likely developed varying sensitivities to products containing lactose. Sales of Coleman camping stoves rose in direct proportion to cheese futures.

Problems continue to circulate about insurance policies which seems to be a wonderful scapegoat for what promises to be high dollar tickets. A large portion of the fan base, still living in their now deceased parents’ basements and wearing the same concert T they purchased at Barton Hall in ’77 call this move “unkind.” They also find it totally uncool that their Barton Hall shirt can now be purchased new at Walmart for under $8. When Phil was asked about ticket prices he replied, “Brutha gotta eat! And Jill don’t wear no Payless shoes, you hear me, honky?!”

With all the guessing and speculation, only one thing is certain, Phish fan and rail rider, Antelope Greg is already waiting on line to get in as we speak. Three elderly women and a maintenance worker have been elbowed already for infringing on his “space.”

Highly opinionated Dead Heads are calling for the death of anyone who attempts to even think about playing guitar. Bob is… still resting. Phil continues to give his donor rap to the exact same 1,800 people for the past decade. Internet message board police are removing antagonistic members quicker than Lindane shampoo removes pubic lice and me, Dean Sottile, I don’t know shit. The only member of the entire fan base to readily admit, I have no connections at all. Not a single damn one.

Stay Grateful My Friends… Love You Forever!!!

Sincerely,
Dean Sottile
Scott Allen’s Unofficial Biographer