Category Archives: Fare Thee Well

MAyerWeir

In a performance that woke up more pussy than a pack of barking dogs, Bob Weir and John Mayer lit up the stage last night on The Late Late Show. In unofficial research, Bob Weir performances have been shown to be 10 times more powerful than hormone replacement therapy in aging women. Super fans Jan Longacre and Jen Brandse, both agreed that the last time their estrogen levels were that high they were crawling out of tents, following Ecstasy binges, near Deer Creek. “We don’t need hormone replacement therapy, just more Weir Tunes!!” the ladies exclaimed.

For the faithful folks that insisted on watching the entire show as it aired, they had to endure John Mayer’s monologue that was as funny as having whooping cough and diarrhea at the same time. When Mayer mentioned being known as a womanizer, Weir looked at him like the Lion King would look at Simba and chuckled.

Like many that have come awfully late to the party, John Mayer revealed that Grateful Dead Music has recently hit him harder than a cocktail at Bill Cosby’s house. He too has been sucked into the vortex of Grateful Dead addicition like a housewife on Oprahium. John said that he’s listening to 2 hours of The Dead daily, which is 10 hours less than the rest of us, but admirable. The topic of $40 Million sent to the Stinson Beach office was brought up , as was reported only by The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News on 1/27.( gratefuldean.com/mail-order-mayhem-continues/ )
He presented Weir with his Mail Order envelope that I hope is returned with the dreaded denial letter from hell like the rest of us… Incredibly, he mentioned the 3 nights at Soldier Field as being Sold Out when tickets don’t go on sale for another 3 weeks. When asked about that, The Illuminati replied, “We don’t really exist.”

As for Bob Weir, his appearances on mainstream television often seem as comfortable as a burlap speedo.  In interviews he’s been known to come across with a sense of humor and perspective that’s dryer than a popcorn fart. Quite possibly one of the coolest cats ever born, Weir talks very similarly to how Garcia played guitar. There’s a certain delay is his delivery that causes you to wonder if he’ll get there. Every time you wonder whether or not Bob heard the question, his answers flow from some kind of eternally delayed yet meaningful source. The way he keeps you leaning back as you’re trying to lean forward while you listen is an inborn gift possessed by him and him only.

Give Weir and Mayer a guitar and they instantly become more comfortable than fat kids at a bakery. We were treated to a wonderful version of Truckin and one of my favorite songs of all time, Althea. Bob delivered confidently as I couldn’t help but to feel as though this was adding another log to the fire in our musical hearts leading up to Chicago or any place the band might appear prior. For the first time since 1982, Weir sang 2 consecutive songs without missing a single lyric. Dead Head Legend, Bobby Gambelunghe, who goes by Bobby G because his last name looks like an accident in Alphabet City, said he couldn’t stop smiling following the performance. “I’m not gay but if they started a “Queer for Weir” Facebook Group, I’d join… Ya know, just to browse the comments is all…”

Even though Dead Heads are seemingly required by unwritten law to have a problem with anybody that has any level of commercial success, I’m a fan of Mayer’s. John has more chops than a Karate Tournament! That brother can infuse the blues into anything. Great job John!

Closing this one out, it was great to see Bob Weir looking good and in great musical form. As we roll towards Chicago, and possibly other stops prior (that should create some shit), we’re enjoying this victory lap together. The Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead And Music News will be here to report. I hope all your dreams come true none the less! I Love You All and there’s not one damn thing you can do about it!!!

Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

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The Grateful Dead Week In Review Take 2!

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As rejection letters hit mailboxes with more repetition than posts asking about seating charts, a grey cloud was cast over the inhabitants of Grateful Dead Land. The Soap Opera that ensued brought more tears than a Sorority House on their menstrual cycle. Suddenly the overwhelming joy of the anniversary announcement was overtaken by the grim reality of ticket availability. CVS and Walgreens sold out of Vagisil as quick as the Grateful Dead were selling out of tickets.

Combe Incorporated, the makers of Vagisil, spokesperson Dinah Moe Humm said, “We haven’t seen this many overly sensitive and irritated pussies since the weeks following Woodstock.” When asked about whether or not she was into The Grateful Dead, Dinah replied, “I gotta get out of it to get myself into it!”

Executives from CID Entertainment, a company offering VIP Packages to people like myself, who have absolutely no connections at all but high limits on their credit cards, were seen dancing like the cast of a Broadway Musical outside of their corporate office. Apparently, people that complained about regular ticket prices last week have already started calling CID in hopes of spending 10 times more cash for the VIP Experience. When corporate leaders were asked about the pricing of the VIP Packages they told us, “Do yourself a favor and buy stock in Combe Incorporated. A completely new level of complaining will begin once our prices are unveiled.” A blushing 65 year old woman said, “These packages are beginning to look bigger and better than John Holmes.”

Meanwhile, speaking of packages, there was a leak by a surgeon’s receptionist that claimed to have Bob Weir’s X rays following a recent knee surgery. While nobody seemed to know much about Weir having a bum knee, The films surfaced earlier this week. Nobody has confirmed whether or not they’re legit but over 8,000 women we spoke with said they appeared to belong to Weir.

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News also arose that Weir would be making an appearance on the Late Late Show, a favorite of insomniacs and those struggling with Crystal Meth Addiction, on February 5th. Fans who have young children were thrilled they have DVRs as most of us without drug problems are in bed by 9:30 PM.

Rehearsals are underway as Trey Anastasio has gotten together with Bruce Hornsby and Bob Weir. The Sirius Grateful Dead Channel featured a Question & Answer segment with Hornsby earlier in the week that went over like a fat woman with her toddler on a seesaw. The Final caller, a vocal anesthesiologist by trade, is still finishing his story as I write. As far as rehearsals are concerned, Trey Anastasio said, “I may not send their Souls to the Dry Cleaners like Garcia did but I’ll damn sure liquify their Nervous Systems like shellfish!” My friends, you can count on that!

Throughout the week several people questioned the safety of the City of Chicago posting news clips from last year’s 4th of July when 82 people were shot. Most of them failed to mention that over 3,000,000 people in Chicago that weekend did not get shot. The people with safety concerns posted from their homes while chain smoking reefer, hash and cigarettes, drinking insane amounts of alcohol, inhaling nitrous and consuming LSD regularly for the past 40 years while living beneath enormous Power Lines…

Here’s something to keep in mind on this Super Bowl Sunday Edition of the Officially Unofficial News. For the price of ONE Super Bowl ticket (Includes Katy Perry!), you and a friend can fly to Chicago and see The Grateful Dead for 3 nights. That’s a great value for your entertainment dollar!

So I’ll call it a wrap for this week at your Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead and Music News. Due to popular demand we’re now on Twitter, @gd50th. Remember, If you can’t draw and you can’t type Ticketmaster’s Security Codes, you can always hope for a webcast!

Dead To The Core,
Dean Sottile(pronounced SoTilly)

On Facebook: Grateful Dean

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