In hopes of moving the learning curve ahead a little more rapidly, it’s been rumored that somebody in the Inner Circle dosed John Mayer’s cookies and milk prior to rehearsals this week. Having grown up in the “Bath Salts” Generation, John was a virgin to LSD. About an hour after puddling some of the Family crystal wash into Mayer’s afternoon snack, things began changing rapidly. What began as John’s strings feeling a little bit sticky ultimately turned into his entire guitar becoming a giant slug, according to sources. As things began to unfold, Billy was treated for severe abdominal cramps due to excessive laughter. It was a long and educational day with a spiritually cleansing result. The details have been hazy as reported from people further toward the outside of the insiders.
Apparently, while going over some songs, the LSD that an unknown individual named Billy, slipped into John’s snack began to come on stronger than initially expected. While making a few runs through Bob’s “Looks Like Rain”, apparently Mayer began crying and feeling as though it was mandatory for him to do love to Katy. Katy, who shared the cookies and milk with John, was feeling nervous as her stomach was churning like a bag of kittens in a washing machine for reasons she couldn’t understand. There was a sense of nervousness that had come over them both simultaneously. Her and John ran off but while attempting to make love, Mayer, a little too filled with acid, could only get hard in the middle. It looked like a garter snake swallowed a mouse. They both felt a little confused and decided to try to paint instead. On their way to purchase painting supplies, they purchased thousands of dollars of absolute and unrelated shit that appeared really beautiful at the moment. They were struck by an intense desire to walk on grass and headed to a park they saw in the distance. They found liberating conversation regarding the variety of animals that were all created for special and significant reasons and for a brief moment in time, had each one’s purpose completely figured out within the grand scheme of life on the planet. They hoped to remember all of this forever but forgot everything the minute they realized how completely green the grass was. Their combined discovery of every small item, seemingly overlooked for their entire lives up to this point, had them in a state of toddler like excitement at the planet around them.
It was reported that John came across an orange and was compelled to care for it like it was a baby bird. He felt the balanced and nutrient dense energy of the living food had summoned him to be a paternal force in the life experience of the fabled fruit. It was at this point the trip turned to unexpected places. While lying on his stomach in the park, a worm crawled into his visual field. His mind turned back to Pink Floyd’s The Wall Album as the worm quickly became a powerful judge within his spun mind. He sat before a Court of his peers and flashed back to his interview in Playboy Magazine. As the files in his brain began feeding him the contents of the interview, John saw himself in The Court. He began to realize as he revisited the contents of his interview that in all reality, he was a complete dickhead. He couldn’t remove the self image that was placed before him and etched in his hallucinating mind.
He spent an hour or two in a bathroom inside of a Starbucks location to reflect on his past ills and sat before the jury in his mind nervously awaiting a verdict. Time nearly stood still as he sat repentant in a stall. His mind forced him to repetitively review his past transgressions until a loud knock came on the door scaring the living shit out of him. His meekly said to the door, “I’ll be right out…” He looked in the mirror, frightened and somewhat alarmed about his state of mind as well as his grayish green skin color. As he exited he tried hard to make eye contact with nobody and begged whatever listening deity exists in his world that he wouldn’t be noticed by anyone in his scrambled state. As he walked briskly down the street, the sun shone brightly on his face and he felt the release of the tension within his Soul as he realized he was as free as he chose to be regarding his past attitudes and ill ideas. A sense of relief came over him as he began hearing Althea play in his head. Even the thought of the sound of Garcia’s voice in his imagination seemed to cover of him with a profound sense of comfort. He reached for his phone that he totally forgot he had for the past 5 hours and put on the Althea that started this entire experience. The sound of the familiar lick that hooked him in the first place, along with the tone and delivery of Jerry’s vocal took his rough and weathered brain and cosmically embraced it. His entire being was totally engulfed in the sound that couldn’t be found prior to his initial Dead Dream. He saw each day of his life since that moment as if they were all recorded on pages in a book. The gentle breeze that blew began turning each and every page in a manner that was so orderly and perfectly paced that he believed the breeze had to be sent from a mystical place that was perfectly designed to turn pages in the book of memories that people keep. He smiled on the inside as he recognized the serendipity of it all. He felt deeply at peace as he came to the conclusion that he faced the scrutiny of the Acid Test and passed through to the other side. His Soul was purified and purged of its past iniquities and was born again anew to fill a role that was predestined for him ages ago in the vast ether of the unknown substance from which all life emanates.
Then out of nowhere, he remembered where the whole day began and immediately picked up his pace to return to the sessions that are preparing him for the task ahead with Dead and Company. He thought to himself, remarkably detached from any sense of guilt or worry, “I wonder where the fuck Katy is???” Since there was a deep internal knowing that she was experiencing whatever it was she was supposed to experience, he headed back to the rehearsals as a brand new creation. He understood the connection to his internal voice and the sense of complete surrender to its call. He understood that he didn’t need to know exactly what was up in order to know that, whatever was up was exactly what was supposed to be up. With a newly installed sense of psychedelic intuition and certainty he immediately returned to his inherent state of self confidence and strength. As he returned to the practice location, Katy was there blowing Bubbles and drinking Champagne. It didn’t bother John, even though Bubbles is one of the Crew members… He strapped on his guitar and found himself totally immersed in the sonic experience like never before. He was playing with his entire being and could feel the dramatic shifts in environmental energy in the various parts of each song. He was recognizing that the music made from the remaining members of The Grateful Dead actually goes deeper than the magma of the earth and further out than the most remote stars known to man. He has officially come on board for life’s greatest musically journey to a place reserved for those capable of breathing in the rarified air that circulates around the core of The Dead. His place was determined long ago from beyond the great unknown horizon of destiny to take his place amongst the legends assembled as Dead and Company. Those that have been harsh, you can all stop hating him now as he clearly was chosen by the guy in the sky to be part of all of this since the beginning of creation. I don’t know if any of this story is true but if it is, He has passed the Test with flying colors. While the rehearsal videos absolutely wreak of the aroma of mediocrity, they don’t include the most important ingredient, US. Don’t get me wrong, I believe by show time, this group of guys will be OUTSTANDING! I just wasn’t overwhelmed by the possibly premature previews. I’m certain by the time Albany comes around, the fragrance will definitely be one of unequalled excellence in spontaneous creation and development of fantastic flavors of sound. John is merely at the very beginning of one of the most fulfilling journeys this abundantly talented individual will ever take. We will take it alongside of him as brothers and sisters in the greatest musical family every assembled on planet earth, US!!!!
Countdown to kickoff y’all!!! See ya in a few!
Dead To The Core,
Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)