In breaking news, the Dead Head community has once again come together like stink on an armpit and petitioned the city of Chicago to allow overnight camping at Soldier Field.
Chicago’s Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, not to be confused with the Emmanuelle soft porns of the early 80’s, has called together a meeting of local authorities citing how big cities like Chicago always respond immediately to petitions from the elderly as quickly as possible.
Chicago Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, who became a cop due to the constant ridicule he received because of the misspelling of his name by parents who drank too much, was beginning to unravel his plans for 4th of July weekend. He believes camping would be a great idea, keeping all of the people he was looking to arrest in one an isolated location. Interestingly enough, he felt those that were petitioning were doing a great deal to help local law enforcement. When asked what he thought about the plan to allow camping he said, “I’d love to have all those people injecting the marijuanas in one central location. It’s rare for us to have an opportunity to arrest people with biceps like yarn that fight as aggressively as Elton John all in one place.”
In other news, it’s been reported that the online seating chart of Soldier Field has been stolen. Fans attempting to find it for the 4,000th time in one day were puzzled by this development.
Apparently, 60,000 people have mail ordered for tickets, all in a tiny rectangle on the chart. It’s believed that Grateful Dead brass are scrambling to make more GA tickets available. When asked about seating at Soldier Field, a security guard that’s worked the Grateful Dead concerts in the late 90’s, named Leroy but pronounced “La-Roy” is quoted as saying, “At Grateful Dead concerts, our personnel in charge of keeping people out of the aisles and in their proper sections and seats possess all the power and authority of a mouse’s erection. Don’t nobody wanna be where they sporda be.”
At the tiny GDTS TOO office, one woman was attempting to handle all of these requests in an office smaller than Jill Lesh’s shoe closet. The Stinson Beach Postal Service, with five employees was crippled after an avalanche of mail caused three people to call in sick with the sciatica.
Rest assured, the organization is doing everything possible to make everybody happy which is clearly impossible. When asked about the problems being faced early on, drummer Bill Kreutzmann said, “Not even Pepperidge Farms remembers the last time our fans weren’t complaining about some shit or other.”
As all of these intense scenarios continue to play out, The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News will be here to report them. Stay tuned my friends.
Dean Sottile over and out til next time!!!
You can find me at “Grateful Dean” on Facebook and my group is The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News.