In emotionally crippling news, pink slips started hitting mailboxes yesterday as heartbroken Grateful Dead fans learned their fate as being one of the poor little fishies that didn’t get picked from the massive ocean of requests. As one single picture (the one seen here) with a green clip in the top left corner, was posted 75,422 times in various groups across the Internet.
Why pink slips though?
According to authorities within the camp, pink slips are often received when employees get fired from their jobs and actually have real problems. For most of our fans, this is the biggest problem they’ll have all year. As a long time Dead Head myself, I often sent employers into the same kind of frenzy when I quit every job I ever had with absolutely no notice between the years of 1985 and 1995 in order to leave for Grateful Dead tour. The bad news caused diagnosable anxiety in many that will most likely lead to being labeled with a condition by a medical doctor and given a lifetime prescription for a chemical that will cause you to feel absolutely nothing ever again. Back in our time, anxiety wasn’t treated by prescription medication, a Franklin’s Tower was more than enough to cure that shit immediately!
In other music news, Rush and U2 released tour dates… But who the fuck cares?
In the latest developing story, fans who have no idea how to balance a checkbook and have never hosted a party for more than 30 people, currently have all the answers regarding what the Grateful Dead should’ve done. A petition began on change.org to move the entire event to an entirely different venue in an entirely different state due to increased capacity. When I contacted the logistic wing of the Grateful Dead’s operation they responded to my inquiry by saying, “Sure thing jackass, we’ll just pick all this shit up like doll houses in your sister’s basement and move it somewhere else. You’re a real genius! Why don’t you go write me up a beer or something you hack?”
I considered answering back with song lyrics that represent kindness and joy but ultimately I just thanked him for his time.
All eyes now shift towards Ticketmaster and an entirely new issue to bitch and complain about. Service fees! When looking through the service fees associated with online orders, many fans began complaining immediately. It seems that on a 6 ticket order (2 for each night), service fees could go upwards of $150. When we asked Ticketmaster why service fees were so high they informed us of their biggest problem selling tickets for events like the Grateful Dead and Phish. CEO of Live Nation Entertainment, John Malone said, “Our biggest problem with this bunch of fans is bandwidth. Bandwidth drives up the cost of service fees. These people have been hitting “refresh” every friggin 5 seconds, beginning last week. Tickets aren’t on sale for another month. Every 5 seconds, REFRESH! They never stop, it’ll be like this on our site until July 6th. Them and the Friggin Phish… Mama Mia!”
Fans that are still wondering if they have any chance at acquiring tickets have gone to their message board communities for support. The last time this many fans got burned at once was the first show of nearly every summer tour in history. When asked about that, Grateful Dead 90’s tour vet David “Grand Dude” Finlay said from his home in Canada, ” Sumbitches were redder than a stop sign after the first show of summer tour, eh! For many, it was the first time they stepped outside of their opium dens since spring tour ended, eh.”
With still an entire month to go until the Internet on sale date of February 29th (ya see what I did there), many fans have already accepted being ticketless and are salting the earth with their tears.
Not Chris McMurray though. Chris has had his elaborately decorated envelop posted all over the Internet and is certainly destined to receive his tickets. Not only that, he’s destined to be extremely pissed off when he sees 50 local Chicago residents hawking shirts with his design on them for $20 in the parking lots at Soldier Field.
With requests coming in that outnumber the available seats in Soldier Field, it has been questioned whether or not this was the right venue. Super promoter Peter Shapiro, a modern day Bill Graham to himself and many of his closest friends only, said, “If I knew how this was gonna be, I would’ve done things a little different. I mean, this thing went off like a teenager’s pecker at a whack shack of a massage parlor. Blew up immediately and all over the damn place. If I knew in advance, I would’ve created this generation’s version of Woodstock. I’m Peter fuckin’ Shapiro bro! Naturally I was hoping for Lockn. Nothing says Peter Shapiro like Lockn.”
When asked about the massive outpouring of every imaginable emotion since the initial announcement, Trixie Garcia, Who I have a huge crush on, said, “The current situation is as volatile as Debrah Koon’s personality. A lot of the folks that call her a crazy bitch are acting just like that crazy bitch right now.”
Trixie, on behalf of the entire Grateful Dead fan base, WE LOVE YOU! Many of us wish YOU were playing guitar. You’re probably the only one that NOBODY would complain about.
Well My Friends, nothing left to do but wait. Wait for Mail order. Wait for internet on sale. Keep hitting refresh. Wait some more. Complain. Wait some more. Have all the answers. Wait.
While you’re waiting, don’t forget to be radically giving. Joyfully generous and gratefully alive! Sow seeds of laughter and hope abundantly! Good things always come to those that are givers. Start giving what you can and let the cards fall as they may.
I love you all and there’s not one damn thing you can do about it!
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)
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