Once again, in Offically Unofficial News, the foundations of the world have shaken as the Dead’s brilliant marketing arm leaked just enough information to stay on top of Internet algorithms like drunk sailors on Japanese hookers. The news came as a festival promoter nobody ever heard of before disguised themselves as Scott Allen and received more attention than a woman at a Rush concert. The hints lead to Santa Clara, California, a location we all have tons of recordings from. When news hit the home office in Stinson Beach, 5 employees moved to Mexico immediately. “Fuck that shit!” they said as they sped towards the border. When asked about the demand for The Dead, Mickey said, “This shit is outta control like Bill’s eyebrows!” When Bill was asked aout this response he said, “That Cro-Magnon Vulcan would have a single eybrow across his head that looked like the scouring side of a sponge if he didn’t get that shit landscaped by Mexicans in his neighborhood every week!” It seems like everybody is getting along just fine… One thing is absolutely certain, it’s either happening or it isn’t!
Dead Fans from the left coast, specializing in passive aggression, stopped complaining for the first time since January 16th. Apparently monthly shows by Phil and his friends right in their back yard aren’t enough as the group of people still pissed off about missing Hampton in ’89 have been crying since day 1. They’ve taken solace in Death Don’t Have No Mercy being busted out at Shoreline for 26 years now. People with names like Jeff and Sam moved West many years ago to continue life with names like Huggie Bear and Tranquil Stream have quickly moved from waiting on long lines for Apple Product Releases to crying about the absence of Bay area shows and getting screwed by ticket releases. They moved out west decades ago to buy a wig and get the crabs and sleep on Owsley’s floor. Those guys have been releasing the pent up and still ingrained east coast aggression they’ve been trying to deny having since 1977. Internet records displaying their inherent hostility have been spewing out since January. They will now begin acting like they were kind all along. As long as they get tickets… At a price close to what they cost 35 years ago…
Somehow, those that thought 3 shows were a cash grab feel better that they’ll be more. Unbridled joy at the developing story was spreading just as fast as the negativity will once details and ticket sales are announced. Some fans are wondering if their money orders will be returned in time to send them back again. Plans are being put into place to keep tickets out of the hands of scalpers which is difficult since many of the scalpers are actually guys like Huggie Bear and Tranquil Stream hiding behind ebay and StubHub profiles, selling their tickets and hoping they won’t be revealed as the fake ass bitches they really are. You can find them outside of their peaceful status diatribes and picture albums filled with photos of Buddha statues, arguing on the Grateful Dead Tour Vets pages.
While people think this will have a dramatic effect on decreasing the cost of Chicago tickets, some scalpers have commissioned professional artists in anticipation of the upcoming mail order. Peter Shapiro is proving once again he’s smarter than you are because he already sold all of the bad seats to Chicago the first day on TicketMaster. He is still holding back on the good seats that people will gladly purchase, even if they already have purchased bad seats, as upgrades a month or two from now. There’s tens of thousands of tickets that haven’t been released yet. When it all it goes down, you’ll remember you heard it from The Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead News!
Paul Abdell and his editor Michelle Cohn will be gathering up volunteers as fast as GDTS TOO as their group, Social Tactics Operating Properly Against Nemesis, Anti Scalping Society (“STOP AN ASS” for short) has made a huge impact on the ability of scalpers to reach their prospective victims utilizing free media sites like Craigslist. Their work has had a tremendous impact on the ability of scalpers to sell their tix. Good work y’all!!!
Michelle and her sister Robbi need tickets for Chicago. If you have extras, please find them on Facebook. Anybody thats been a fan for any length of time has seen countless photos taken by Robbi. They are obviously some ladies who undoubtedly deserve tickets to the event.
Another show honoring the man with the sound we’d all be willing to act kind again in order to hear, sold out faster than Doug Irwin once he got a couple of guitars back. The Dear Jerry Show however sold out in 4 seconds. For one of those seconds I was prepared to write at length how wonderful it was to use ticketfly. Instead, I feel like I was screwed by a neutered animal this time. I got all the fuckin with none of the balls. At least Ticketmaster humored me by spinning the balls around giving me the impression there was some mystical entity that was trying to work on my behalf. With Ticketfly there was no waiting, no line, no balls. There was however a nice little man on a treadmill when I tried to get through on the pre sale. It was nice to feel like I was exercising while spending my second month in a row on the computer pounding some kind of ticket selling website which seems to be as useless as Charles Manson’s parole hearings and yielding the same results… Nothing.
“The last thought… The final thought… the hard thought… The Warrior thought is that We ain’t many!!! In any given situation there’s always gonna be more dumb people than smart people, We ain’t many!”
You know what Jerry would say, he’d say, “STOP FUCKING ASSUMING YOU KNOW WHAT I’D SAY! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!”
More will be revealed in the weeks that follow… New York Got the ways and means…
Ladies looking for some gorgeous Guatemalan Hippie Gucci can find some beautiful stuff from my friend Sugar Mags right here.
Preparation for The Dead’s Fare Thee Well shows has begun!!!check it out here.
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)