Screenshots from mail order lottery winners began popping up like chiggers in a VW Bus full of caucasian Rastafarians today. The folks at the Stinson Beach office have been busy crushing the hopes and dreams of nearly 40,000 people in the past few weeks by sending back their loot along with a rejection letter that was as creative as my undecorated envelope. Every single one of those letters has been posted twice on social media websites and has become as nauseating as being geeked out on cocaine and competing in a chili eating contest. When asked what the past few weeks have been like, workers at the GDTS TOO Office said, “We’ve worked more hours than kids sewing Nikes in sweat shops.”
90s Tour Vet cheerleader and favorite dreadlocked caucasian, Allison Moseley, posted a brief video clip encapsulating her excitement on her very own Fan Page that was created by her devoted admirers. It seems like there’s some justice in the world when someone as kind as Allison gets her tickets. When questioned about her recently received email Allison, who never cussed even once, ever, said, “Gah!! Love. Jeepers I’ll tell ya. Major awesomeness… Gah!!”
The current change of pace has been welcomed by those in the office as over 20,000 emails are now being logged and processed by people that are, at best, mediocre at typing. Asked about the change of energy within the ticket office, the current Epicenter of the Grateful Dead Universe, Elvis said, “This stage of fulfillment is like finding a sandbox filled with Xanax after being up for 2 weeks on Bear’s Crystal LSD.” Reporting on the current activity on all things Facebook, looking stunning with newly cut and colored hair, Jen Brandse said, “90s group members seemed to be leading the pack in victory messages over those in the 80s group while those in the 70s group were trying to remember their aol passwords from accounts they opened when phone lines screamed with mystical beaps and incredibly loud static, when the internet was merely a newborn.”
The messages of congratulations that followed posts by newly notified winners were filled with as much covert Butthurt as John K’s message to Trey. The next phase of our happy little journey together will be over 300,000 posts including screen shots of emails from GDTS TOO, CID Entertainment and Ticketmaster. Even though every single picture looks absolutely the same, fans, like perverts in trench coats, are consumed by the need to show everybody theirs. Meaningful conversation can wait another few weeks while we inundate our sites with the exact same images over and over and over again. I’d like to add, You don’t really need to do that y’all…
Good Luck this week my friends and family! I Love and Appreciate you all and there’s not a thing you can do about it!
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)
Grateful Dean on Facebook
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