Category Archives: Bob Weir

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Since the rumors that proceeded the official announcement, nothing has been the same in Grateful Dead Land. A palpable energy that rivals the feeling we had in the old days when the lighting guys climbed up their ladders is ever present within all of our daily lives. This week was no exception. Here’s your week in review…

Weir got a total brojob from John Mayer on the Really Friggin Late Show and millions of Chinese men were instantly referred to this website by Google due to this sentence and the headline. I think I speak for everybody when I say Bob looked well fed. His streamlined physique of the past has given way to a shape that more resembles the VW Bugs that have followed him around the country for nearly 50 years. Then again, for just about all of us, every Throwback Thursday has shown us that our current picture looks like the “Before” shot in nearly every self improvement program on earth and our pictures from the past more closely resemble the “After”. Just another case of “the sky was yellow and the sun was blue.”

As previously reported, John Mayer, now listening to the Dead for 3 whole years, absolutely understood who the alpha male was once Weir walked onto the set of the show this week. John was interviewed off camera at the after show party and was heard saying, “At nearly 100 years old he’s absolutely magnetic and oozes an otherworldly sensuality. As manly as I am, even I dreamed of Weir treating me like an aspiring actress at Bill Cosby’s House.”

Trips to the mailbox have become just like trips to probation officers on urine day. For 20 years the mailbox overflowed with flyers and unpaid bills as mail carriers often questioned whether or not the residents were still alive. Within the past 2 weeks 90% of Dead Heads now know their letter carrier’s name, marital status, number and names of children, place of birth, astrological sign and number of years on the job. For the first time since 1995, Dead Heads are treating postal employees like official Grateful Dead Family. Since most Grateful Dead fans have never tipped their letter carriers at Christmas, their mail people find great joy in delivering rejection letters to their new BFFs.

A new problem now exists as fans begin returning to post offices, that typically carry about $125 in petty cash, demanding their $5000 in unused money orders be refunded immediately. As post offices encourage fans to deposit them in their bank accounts they’re quickly realizing over 50% of the fans of the Grateful Dead don’t have bank accounts. When encouraged to open an account, it was discovered that another 50% of fans were far too paranoid to let a bank know they exist. The postal service has acknowledged this mail order debacle as the biggest challenge since the arrival of UPS and other companies that deliver shit far more effectively.

Western Union, a fan favorite throughout the years on Grateful Dead Tour, has facilitated more drug deals than the entire country of Columbia. They claim that fans that used their overpriced and unreasonable services should have much fewer problems with their refunds since they’re still the preferred method of money transfer for nearly all illegal activity in the country as well as most of the world. Anybody that actually toured with the Dead is well acquainted with their services and have used them in nearly every state in the country. Nothing says crime like picking up cash sent to Casey Jones in Bonner Springs, Kansas with absolutely no ID required!

Rumors of added shows began to circulate as information leaked by Grateful Dead super fan, Ted Kane, that Shoreline Amphitheater was booked for shows in the Summer under the name “Nickelback”. Ted, a fine man whose facial hair has been known to cause Beard Envy, cracked the code of this alias by assuming the four original members plus Bruce made 5 thus the clever name. Be sure to buy your tickets early! Executives at Madison Square Garden were questioned about bands that have booked the historic venue and replied, “We don’t know nuttin.” Everybody that’s from the northeast is well aware that “I don’t know nuttin” really means, “That motherfucker knows something!” Only time will tell…

In these trying and uncertain times medical doctors have discovered an entirely new and treatable condition that’s being called,
Social Ticket Related Emotional Sensitivity Syndrome or STRESS for short. Symptoms include mailbox obsession, spending over 20 hours a week rereading the VIP Packages on CID’s website and posting the exact same questions as everybody else on every Facebook group you belong to. Petitions can be found online urging legislators to allow for the issuance of medical marijuana cards to treat this condition naturally.
As Big Pharma becomes increasingly more aware of the rising presence of Big Ganja, there’s sure to be an epic battle.

While mentioning VIP Packages, many women between the ages of 45 and 65 were wondering if the Steve Parish Package would still be available. For many years, they took care of Steve’s Package and were permitted entry without any tickets at all.

That’s all for this week my friends, stay tuned… Love You Long Time!!!!

Gratefully Deadicated,

Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

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In a performance that woke up more pussy than a pack of barking dogs, Bob Weir and John Mayer lit up the stage last night on The Late Late Show. In unofficial research, Bob Weir performances have been shown to be 10 times more powerful than hormone replacement therapy in aging women. Super fans Jan Longacre and Jen Brandse, both agreed that the last time their estrogen levels were that high they were crawling out of tents, following Ecstasy binges, near Deer Creek. “We don’t need hormone replacement therapy, just more Weir Tunes!!” the ladies exclaimed.

For the faithful folks that insisted on watching the entire show as it aired, they had to endure John Mayer’s monologue that was as funny as having whooping cough and diarrhea at the same time. When Mayer mentioned being known as a womanizer, Weir looked at him like the Lion King would look at Simba and chuckled.

Like many that have come awfully late to the party, John Mayer revealed that Grateful Dead Music has recently hit him harder than a cocktail at Bill Cosby’s house. He too has been sucked into the vortex of Grateful Dead addicition like a housewife on Oprahium. John said that he’s listening to 2 hours of The Dead daily, which is 10 hours less than the rest of us, but admirable. The topic of $40 Million sent to the Stinson Beach office was brought up , as was reported only by The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News on 1/27.( gratefuldean.com/mail-order-mayhem-continues/ )
He presented Weir with his Mail Order envelope that I hope is returned with the dreaded denial letter from hell like the rest of us… Incredibly, he mentioned the 3 nights at Soldier Field as being Sold Out when tickets don’t go on sale for another 3 weeks. When asked about that, The Illuminati replied, “We don’t really exist.”

As for Bob Weir, his appearances on mainstream television often seem as comfortable as a burlap speedo.  In interviews he’s been known to come across with a sense of humor and perspective that’s dryer than a popcorn fart. Quite possibly one of the coolest cats ever born, Weir talks very similarly to how Garcia played guitar. There’s a certain delay is his delivery that causes you to wonder if he’ll get there. Every time you wonder whether or not Bob heard the question, his answers flow from some kind of eternally delayed yet meaningful source. The way he keeps you leaning back as you’re trying to lean forward while you listen is an inborn gift possessed by him and him only.

Give Weir and Mayer a guitar and they instantly become more comfortable than fat kids at a bakery. We were treated to a wonderful version of Truckin and one of my favorite songs of all time, Althea. Bob delivered confidently as I couldn’t help but to feel as though this was adding another log to the fire in our musical hearts leading up to Chicago or any place the band might appear prior. For the first time since 1982, Weir sang 2 consecutive songs without missing a single lyric. Dead Head Legend, Bobby Gambelunghe, who goes by Bobby G because his last name looks like an accident in Alphabet City, said he couldn’t stop smiling following the performance. “I’m not gay but if they started a “Queer for Weir” Facebook Group, I’d join… Ya know, just to browse the comments is all…”

Even though Dead Heads are seemingly required by unwritten law to have a problem with anybody that has any level of commercial success, I’m a fan of Mayer’s. John has more chops than a Karate Tournament! That brother can infuse the blues into anything. Great job John!

Closing this one out, it was great to see Bob Weir looking good and in great musical form. As we roll towards Chicago, and possibly other stops prior (that should create some shit), we’re enjoying this victory lap together. The Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead And Music News will be here to report. I hope all your dreams come true none the less! I Love You All and there’s not one damn thing you can do about it!!!

Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)

www.gratefuldean.com
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