Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Eve Of On Sales Creates Added Paranoia


Dead Heads everywhere are practicing their typing skills and sharpening their eyes in hopes of reading confusing security images and typing words like “asickim adTechni” in order to breakthrough the often times impenetrable uterus of life and death known as Ticketmaster. People are gathered at the starting line of CID Entertainment’s website in greater numbers than the New York Marathon begging for a chance to take it right in the leather cheerio by the corporate scalper masquerading as an “Entertainment Enhancement Specialist”. While waiting by his computer at the CID Website since February 3rd, dental floss tycoon Frank said, “Don’t fool yourself… It’s goin right up your poop chute!” Frank was hoping to score a Golden Road package and attend with his Uncle Remus whose fro is finally full grown. Others are hoping to score the more modest Workingman’s Dead package which ensures you’ll have lousy seats but a clean hotel.

Those of us with hundreds upon hundreds of shows under our belt remember when the “entertainment enhancements” included sticky purple buds and only Dead Heads had them. Nowadays they’re roasting the high grade cheeba at Justin Bieber concerts. Boy band shows once provided fireworks by the abundance of seeds exploding as cheap mexican dirt weed that was readily available in the parking lot was huffed by the stiffs in attendance. Over the next 24-48 hours, the kids you sold overpriced Mexican weed to decades ago will be selling you overpriced concert packages.

According to our internet specialist here at The Official Home Of Unofficial Grateful Dead News, The announcement of the 50th Anniversary shows have instantly and singlehandedly cured over 30,000 men of their porn addictions literally overnight. Nights that were once spent staring mindlessly at erotica while chopping more wood than a lumberjack with a new axe are now spent complaining like old jewish grandmothers when there’s a draft in the house. The pent up frustration is now expressing itself in endless posts across multiple message boards about everything that’s wrong with everything The Dead has done and are doing, about everything that’s happened in the world since August 9, 1995. Somehow, people with opinions that stink worse than a Port-a-John made of Limburger cheese are under the impression that we all want to hear from them now that they’re no longer spending their nights dedicated to self gratification.

While many are busy complaining about not getting their money orders back in time for the internet sale date, I have one thing to say, Did you plan on rubbing your cash against the screen if tickets came up? Maybe your were planning on using a debit card after you deposited your cash back into the bank? Either way, if you don’t have a credit card you can use until you receive your refunded money orders within the next week or so, it’s not The Dead’s fault that you’re a complete and total spun out and financially irresponsible wreck, it’s your own damn fault. Rest assured, nobody wants to hear from you either…

As the quest for tickets comes to a massive head over the next few days, you can be guaranteed that there definitely won’t be a shortage of whining and complaining. Intermittently as I type this report I have 16 browsers open and am hitting refresh on all of them every minute or so. 17 year old kids, that type random security codes really fast, will become gangster like scalpers starting shortly after noon on Saturday thanks to StubHub. StubHub is solely responsible for training a generation of prepubescent kids how to be the Playahs they always dreamed of being! Like getting an internet degree for Virtual Thugness! If we were all very smart, we’d let the scalpers buy all of the tickets on Saturday and then ignore tickets altogether until June. By then we could buy them back at half price. It’s too late and we’re too far down the rabbit hole though… One way or another this darkness got to give…

With Love That Never Ends,


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Grateful Dean


GDTS TOO Creating An Avalanche of Joy


Screenshots from mail order lottery winners began popping up like chiggers in a VW Bus full of caucasian Rastafarians today. The folks at the Stinson Beach office have been busy crushing the hopes and dreams of nearly 40,000 people in the past few weeks by sending back their loot along with a rejection letter that was as creative as my undecorated envelope. Every single one of those letters has been posted twice on social media websites and has become as nauseating as being geeked out on cocaine and competing in a chili eating contest. When asked what the past few weeks have been like, workers at the GDTS TOO Office said, “We’ve worked more hours than kids sewing Nikes in sweat shops.”

90s Tour Vet cheerleader and favorite dreadlocked caucasian, Allison Moseley, posted a brief video clip encapsulating her excitement on her very own Fan Page that was created by her devoted admirers. It seems like there’s some justice in the world when someone as kind as Allison gets her tickets. When questioned about her recently received email Allison, who never cussed even once, ever,  said, “Gah!! Love. Jeepers I’ll tell ya. Major awesomeness… Gah!!”

The current change of pace has been welcomed by those in the office as over 20,000 emails are now being logged and processed by people that are, at best, mediocre at typing. Asked about the change of energy within the ticket office, the current Epicenter of the Grateful Dead Universe, Elvis said, “This stage of fulfillment is like finding a sandbox filled with Xanax after being up for 2 weeks on Bear’s Crystal LSD.” Reporting on the current activity on all things Facebook, looking stunning with newly cut and colored hair, Jen Brandse said, “90s group members seemed to be leading the pack in victory messages over those in the 80s group while those in the 70s group were trying to remember their aol passwords from accounts they opened when phone lines screamed with mystical beaps and incredibly loud static, when the internet was merely a newborn.”

The messages of congratulations that followed posts by newly notified winners were filled with as much covert Butthurt as John K’s message to Trey. The next phase of our happy little journey together will be over 300,000 posts including screen shots of emails from GDTS TOO, CID Entertainment and Ticketmaster. Even though every single picture looks absolutely the same, fans, like perverts in trench coats, are consumed by the need to show everybody theirs. Meaningful conversation can wait another few weeks while we inundate our sites with the exact same images over and over and over again. I’d like to add, You don’t really need to do that y’all…

Good Luck this week my friends and family! I Love and Appreciate you all and there’s not a thing you can do about it!

Gratefully Deadicated,
Dean Sottile (pronounced SoTilly)
Grateful Dean on Facebook
The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead and Music News Facebook Group