Monthly Archives: January 2015

The Grateful Dead Week In Review: Officially Unofficial

Now We DanceIt seems as though the redundant posts that kicked off the week have finally gone away like herpes. That’s right, like herpes. For those of you that have experience with diseases that are typically caused by binge drinking with strangers at a campground, you understand that herpes never goes away.

This week has seen its share of activity. Following the official announcement, interviews with the musical participants started popping up quicker than lesions in a leper colony. It seems as though interviews took place in advance of the official announcement and were released immediately following. On one such interview when Bob Weir was questioned about his favorite Phish song, the moment of silence that followed was more awkward than hearing Phil sing Stella Blue.

Jill Lesh has apparently been working hard creating the set lists for 4th of July weekend as they’ve already been hacked and posted to During Trey’s interviews he let the public know he’s been playing along with Grateful Dead records in anticipation of rehearsals that are scheduled to begin shortly after Weir is done resting. While this may seem silly, keep in mind that Trey’s stereo is much nicer than yours. Keep in mind also that the Grateful Dead’s studio recordings sound as similar to their live music as Trey will sound to Garcia.

Speaking of sounding like Garcia, fan heart throb, John K. along with Steve Kimmock used social media to support the band’s decision to choose Trey. John K. was the first on the scene sharing his excitement for the event and hoping there could be peace between Dead and Phish fans once and for all. When asked about the possibility of the two groups’ fan bases coexisting peacefully, Wavy Gravy replied, “It’s as likely as me eating a salad.”

While many thought this was a kind and classy move on their parts, others that actually were going to shows when Garcia was alive, added to the conversation. Facebook Member “Oddball Slack” who obviously has warrants out for his arrest and is smart enough not to use his real name, said “John K. is like a dwarf in a whore house with a two inch boner. The only person that’s really getting off on the experience is the dwarf.”

Apparently there are many fans with much shallower vaginas in this case as many hail John K. as Prince of being the Jerry Guy. When asked about Steve Kimmock’s response, most younger fans weren’t aware he was even on Facebook. Not only that, when his name was brought up, just about all of them had the same look on their face as Weir did when he was asked about his favorite Phish Song.

CID Entertainment experienced delays in posting reliable prices on their VIP and travel packages while their leadership attempts to figure out exactly how severely fans could be raped and pillaged before refusing to bite at their services.

Everybody associated with the hotel industry is diligently creating petitions and politicking to not allow camping at Soldier Field in what’s brewing up to be a real my petition is bigger than yours battle. Currently, hundreds of fans are camping by their mailboxes, refusing to come inside until they know whether or not they have tickets.

In other news it appears that the entire floor at Soldier Field may now be general admission. News came when chairs on the floor were brought up with concerns of chairs folding quicker than Weir at the Capitol Theater. Fans of the legendary rock group have long been opposed to reserved seating or anything else that inhibits their sense of complete and total lawlessness. When approached with this topic, Jo Powell of Misfit Farm Oregon exclaimed, “We never took kindly to our unkind behavior being thought of as anything other than kind.”

Jo, who possesses the mental acuity of someone that’s extremely acute mentally, currently breeds goats and other animals that fornicate wildly and multiply when they’re put together and given an unlimited supply of vegetables. When asked about her current position Jo said, “It’s not much different than the parking lot scene at Grateful Dead shows.”

Well folks, that wraps up another week of excitement in the wonderful and developing world of all things Grateful Dead. Be sure to join us on Facebook at The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News. You can friend me at Grateful Dean.

Stay Grateful My Friends,

Dean Sottile (pronounced So Tilly)

Chicago Considers Camping While Seating Charts Vanish

Tent FestIn breaking news, the Dead Head community has once again come together like stink on an armpit and petitioned the city of Chicago to allow overnight camping at Soldier Field.

Chicago’s Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, not to be confused with the Emmanuelle soft porns of the early 80’s, has called together a meeting of local authorities citing how big cities like Chicago always respond immediately to petitions from the elderly as quickly as possible.

Chicago Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, who became a cop due to the constant ridicule he received because of the misspelling of his name by parents who drank too much, was beginning to unravel his plans for 4th of July weekend. He believes camping would be a great idea, keeping all of the people he was looking to arrest in one an isolated location. Interestingly enough, he felt those that were petitioning were doing a great deal to help local law enforcement. When asked what he thought about the plan to allow camping he said, “I’d love to have all those people injecting the marijuanas in one central location. It’s rare for us to have an opportunity to arrest people with biceps like yarn that fight as aggressively as Elton John all in one place.”

In other news, it’s been reported that the online seating chart of Soldier Field has been stolen.  Fans attempting to find it for the 4,000th time in one day were puzzled by this development.

Apparently, 60,000 people have mail ordered for tickets, all in a tiny rectangle on the chart. It’s believed that Grateful Dead brass are scrambling to make more GA tickets available. When asked about seating at Soldier Field, a security guard that’s worked the Grateful Dead concerts in the late 90’s, named Leroy but pronounced “La-Roy” is quoted as saying, “At Grateful Dead concerts, our personnel in charge of keeping people out of the aisles and in their proper sections and seats possess all the power and authority of a mouse’s erection. Don’t nobody wanna be where they sporda be.”

At the tiny GDTS TOO office, one woman was attempting to handle all of these requests in an office smaller than Jill Lesh’s shoe closet. The Stinson Beach Postal Service, with five employees was crippled after an avalanche of mail caused three people to call in sick with the sciatica.

Rest assured, the organization is doing everything possible to make everybody happy which is clearly impossible. When asked about the problems being faced early on, drummer Bill Kreutzmann said, “Not even Pepperidge Farms remembers the last time our fans weren’t complaining about some shit or other.”

As all of these intense scenarios continue to play out, The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News will be here to report them. Stay tuned my friends.

Dean Sottile over and out til next time!!!

You can find me at “Grateful Dean” on Facebook and my group is The Official Home of Unofficial Grateful Dead News.